Posted on July 27th, 2009 at 11:49pm
Laying in bed right now. A belly full of wine and pasta. Too warm to sleep. Sticking to everything. My fan blew a fuse. This isn’t poetry.
Today was pretty good. I hope I can say the same of tomorrow.
Goodnight Moon
Posted on July 27th, 2009 at 12:21am
I can’t handle much more of this heat. Which is unfortunate for me, seeing as there are at least another two months of it.
Yesterday pulled a complete 180 on me. I’ve been looking forward to this party/gathering of friends for a while, but all week long, one by one people said they couldn’t make it (namely Joel and Nicole). By Saturday morning all I knew for sure was coming was Sarah (even Carrie kinda gave me a not-very-solid answer). So, all the same, Sarah and I were just gonna go ahead and drink ourselves silly and play some Mario Kart.
Randomly, I get a text from Nicole asking me for directions. Then Carrie asks me what time she should be there. So, now there are four of us which worked beautifully. Sarah made punch. Vodka, plus some vodka, plus some schnapps, and then a big mixture of juices and sodas. She has a gift for making dangerously delicious drinks.
So the four us played a lot of Kart, talked a lot about what’s happened in our lives since we last hung out, and then we decided it would be a good idea for some Guitar Hero. It’s been a very long time since I played, and it took me a while to get my groove back. But before too long, the four us got our band up and going. Sarah singing, Nicole on drums, Carrie on bass, and I just can’t part with my guitar. We worked up quite the sticky sweat dancing around, half drunk.
Around midnight, randomly, I see someone hop over my back wall. It’s Joel! He said the friends he were hanging with fell asleep early, and he figured we’d still be awake. So, we put down our guitars and jumped back on the race tracks. He admitted that since we (Jamie, Danny, Myself and the other DPRL-ers) have gotten better, he’s had to really go on the offensive and less on the defensive. Which is sort of like a professional athlete telling the new rookie “you’re giving me a run for the money, son!”
Sort of.
It was about 2:30 by the time we decided it was time to put ourselves together and get some sleep. Sarah said we should start making this a regular thing. Working up a sweat with Guitar Hero can be our new group exercise. Leave it to her to find a way to combine working out and alcohol… Anyway, so next week we’ll do it all again.
After work on Friday I went up to Disneyland to pick out the new Vinylmation dolls. What an addict I am. I had never been to Disneyland alone before. Much like going to see a movie by myself, the thought has always somewhat appealed to me, but there is a certain sense of… sadness about going it alone. I think maybe now that I’ve broken the ice on the Disneyland front, I might be more willing to actually do it more often. I’ve secretly wanted to go up by my lonesome with my camera. Take all the time in the world to walk around and get dorky.
I think I’ve made a decision on what kind of camera I want. It’s ridiculously expensive, and I know it’s not anything I’m going to be doing anytime soon. But the theory of “I should just buckle down and buy a professional camera now, instead of a long string of consumer cameras” is finally making sense to me. So, we’ll see how it goes.
Goodnight Moon.
Not soon enough.
Posted on July 23rd, 2009 at 12:40am
I’m finding myself in the unfortunate position of “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” about the goings-on at work. Things are simultaneously better and worse than they’ve ever been, and as a result of that, I’m losing my mind. Because of what happened today, I no longer feel comfortable taking the day off tomorrow (which I requested off almost two months ago) for Comic-Con. So, it looks like I’ll be skipping the con this year. Sad.
So, let’s focus on the positives going on right now.
First and foremost, I was successful in getting 2 tickets to the September 2nd nine inch nails show. At the Palladium! Such a small place. It’s going to be amazing. It’s a lot to process… his last tour, ever. The band is kaput.
Also in September is the Haunted Mansion 40th Anniversary. I finally sent in the seating request form (it’s assigned seating, apparently). Now I still need to send in my merchandise request form (there’s a lottery to win the “opportunity” to purchase merchandise). I also need to figure out what I’m going to wear!!
Which is a good segue to: I’m down 10 pounds. I’m like… watching what I eat, and exercising [fairly] regularly. Why didn’t anyone tell me it’s that easy?
On Friday the Vinylmation Urban Series 2 is released at the parks. I fully intend to head up after work and pick up the 9″ dolls. With the exception of that weird pig/egg and bowling pin one. What the hell were they thinking? I will feel a lot less guilty about buying these now that I’m not going to Con and spending money there. I think, at Con, I’m looking for things to spend money on, whereas these Vinylmation dolls are something I’ve been looking forward to getting for a while.
There’s gonna be a little shindig at my place Saturday night. Nicole and Joel are both in town (for Con), so I thought it would be a great time to invite the old gang together again. I also invited Jamie, thinking that he’d like to meet Joel because of all the Mario Karting we do. It would be fun to get some in-the-flesh donkey-punching going on.
I’ve been talking a lot with Sarah (Curtis) lately. She’ll be making some delicious punch, per usual. Said she found a new vodka that is really strong and tastes like candy. Dangerous. We spent a couple hours texting back and forth on Tuesday and it was really pretty cool. The last time I really had a conversation with her was godknowswhen. I kinda forgot how much she cracks me up. It’ll be really good to hang out again and have some laughs.
Last weekend Charrmaine came down. I really enjoy her visits as they are so kick back and low-key. Saturday, we just hung out on the couch watching movies, eating gummy bears, and talking. Went to bed kind of early, slept in kind of late. Then Sunday we went to a little indie theater in Del Mar and saw Moon (it was so-so, not what I expected/hoped). After that, it was leftover pizza and more gummy bears, and lots more conversation. Then, dropping her off for the train ride back to LA.
I’ve seen The Fall probably a dozen times since I bought it earlier this year. I can’t think of any other movie that has as high a replay value (for me) as that. Not even Hedwig.
I need to start a new illustration.
Goodnight Moon.
I…
Posted on July 14th, 2009 at 1:47am
Last week has been one for the record books. If I was the kinda guy that believed that the universe is sometimes trying to “teach” me things, I would easily say that the lesson of last week was friendship. More specifically, my friends kick ass, and I’m truly lucky (and thankful) to have them in my life.
This is something I say with a great deal of frequency, I think. You may all get tired of hearing it, but I’ll never get tired of saying it.
Last Tuesday’s Anj-splosion was absolutely not expected, nor intended. Contrary to what, I’m sure, some of you may think, I wasn’t looking to pick a fight, or kick up dust. I only wanted to put an end to the cross-pollination of Chris-hate that was building. Via my own website, no less.
What was so remarkable about it was how autonomous it all was. The whole ordeal went down while I was at lunch, and one after the other my army of friends (who I may or may not have referred to as “My Army of Breasts”) came to my side, and had my back. Everything I could ever want to say in my defense was said, with way more emotion and vigor than I could ever muster anymore.
Everything except one. But it’s my job to deliver that.
Saturday, I went to Disneyland with Alex and her friend Meghan for Alex’s birthday. Something we’ve done three years in a row. This trip was a little different, though. There was just a very good vibe between Alex and I that I hadn’t felt in a while. We got good and silly, and spent the whole day laughing and being dumb. It was just an all around fun time that largely revolved around this new (old) chemistry we have (had).
Suffice to say, it was very refreshing. I haven’t really let myself have fun like that in a while. I’m glad I was able to let go and get silly with Alex, because she’s extra fun to get silly with.
The week ended last night with a long conversation with Vanessa, who said some very beautiful things about me that had me smiling right down to my core. I’m not usually one for compliments… In fact, I’ve gotten into fights over them before. I just usually can’t handle. But it’s completely disarming when someone who I’ve only known on a personal level for such a short period of time can find so many wonderful things to say.
Well, Universe… You got your point across. You have successfully reaffirmed what I’ve known for so long; I am truly a lucky man to have so many lovely people in my life.
Goodnight Moon.
Dream On.
Posted on July 10th, 2009 at 2:09am
The winds are dying down, and the grey clouds are dissipating and the dust is settling.
James, Marke and I got into a big (3 hour) conversation about religion/afterlife yesterday at work. Between the three of us, all the appropriate bases were covered. Marke representing the white, myself in the black, and James, sampling from the religious buffet, at a nice shade of grey.
It started mostly about the afterlife. About my lack of a belief in one. My fear of death. Existential crisis. The whole deal. It wasn’t so much a conversation to try to get me to change anything, nor was it really them trying to understand. We were simply talking about it. James eventually caught on and said “Well… doesn’t that suck? I think I’d go insane if I were you.” Well, yeah. That’s what I’ve been saying.
I was all ready to go down this road again, but I’m starting to think it’s not the best idea right before bed.
Alex has a big birthday event on Saturday. There will of course be Disneylanding. I’m not sure what the late night plans are. She seems to want to go out and get good and sloshed. I might end up sitting that part out, as it looks like it’s shaping up to be a girls night out kinda thing.
I’ve sent my old Canon S70 to be repaired. I love that camera, and I’m super excited to get it working again. I’m also very happy the whole thing is costing me less than 100 bucks to fix.
There was also a big conversation today about all the great things I should spend my money on. Mac Mini? Netbook? New Camera? I think those things may end up waiting a while. I’d much rather work on paying off some of this damn debt that’s been over my head for way too long now. As soon as I clear off one of my big cards, I’ll buy that new camera.
Sounds good, right?!
Goodnight Moon.
Posted on July 8th, 2009 at 11:48pm
“She Silently Speaks of Love”
My first illustration-for-arts-sake in over a year.
Posted on July 7th, 2009 at 1:47am
There are a million and one things I’d like to say right now, but I’ve been heavily, heavily advised by people much wiser than me not to say them. The phrase “don’t stoop to their level” has been said more times than I could possibly count.
Suffice it to say!! I’ve been using some fantastic tracking software on my website that can tell me all sorts of neat things about who is visiting my site. What time of day, and where they’re from. Whether or not a visitor followed a link to my site, or if it was directly requested. I know if a visitor is using a Mac or a PC, which version of Firefox they’re using, or even if they’re viewing it on their iPhone. I’ve been using this on my site for months now, and the results have been pretty interesting.
I know that a post I made years ago titled Hitler Hairdo (after lyrics to a Radiohead song) is my single most popular post, because there is now a band called Hitler Hairdo and when people search Google for information on that band, my site comes up. I know that the average time spent on my website is about 2 minutes. I know that outside of California, Texas is the state that gives me most of my traffic. And I know that for the past 2 years I’ve been getting, on average, one visit a day from the city of Temecula.
Do you see where I’m going with this?
These kinds of facts come in handy sometimes. Say for instance, and this is just a complete hypothetical… Let’s say I post a link to a journal entry by an old friend of mine in which this person says some nasty things about me. This hypothetical post is a good month old, which makes it all the more curious when a brand new anonymous comment appears on the post a day after I link to it. Well that’s odd. Why would someone who reads my journal want to also say hurtful things about me? And who? Maybe if I look at the time the anonymous comment was made, and see who was visiting my website around the same time, I could start to get a better—albeit, completely hypothetical—look at who would do something like that.
Thankfully, nothing like that has ever happened.
Come to think of it, if I was any more of a clever man, I might even purposely post a link to an old friend’s journal just to see what happens. “Trap” is such an ugly word… I’d call it more of an experiment.
I guess what I’m really trying to say is… Move on. Find a new hobby. While everyone is telling me to get a good laugh out of your two year long obsession, I don’t quite see it like that.
You are not welcome here.
Goodnight Moon.
I’ve got my eyes on you too, Vista.
Posted on June 30th, 2009 at 12:58am
Roller coaster. I’ve been down, and I’m back up again. I’ve been having some of the worst depression spells I’ve had in such a long, long time. I use the word dark for a reason. I’ve learned who I can talk to about these things. I’ve also learned who I can’t.
I think I’ve finally bottomed out. I’m willing to admit I need help… of the professional variety. Whether or not I’m willing to actually go out and make the phone call is a completely different question.
In actuality, I just want the pills. I’ve already been diagnosed bipolar, years and years ago. My mom is quick to remind me that chronic depression runs in the family. I have no interest (not to mention, no faith) in any kind of “how does that make you feel” therapy. I just need something to stop the bad thoughts from growing. I could be having a great day, but one little stumble and things slowly start to spiral out of my control. Friday night is an excellent example of that. The catalyst of Friday night’s spell is so insignificant. So much so I’m too embarrassed to even say. But it was the pebble at the top of a snowy hill.
I just want the pills.
I was on them years and years ago. Celexa. 1998. Fuck. I’m old. I can’t remember why I stopped taking them. I know that the public reason I gave was I was too adversely effected by the “sexual side effects” that I was warned against. I also remember that was just a funny joke I told people to deflect.
So Friday was the worse than the Saturday that was previously worse. I’m plotting points on this graph, and I’m running out of room.
Saturday, however, was surprisingly high on the y-axis. I woke up early, treadmilled, got my car washed after a month of putting it off, got my hair cut, did grocery shopping. I was randomly inspired to start illustrating again. I have this old sketchy picture of Tera an old friend Brandon drew back in college. I took it from him wanting to scan it in and fancy it up. Five years later, I’m finally working on it.
I had to not only dig around my papers to find the drawing, but then dig out my scanner, and install it for the first time on my Mac. This was quite a lot of work just in preparation for someone who was contemplating offing himself the night before. So, I’m pretty happy.
I spent a great deal of the day working on it. It felt really good to be using that part of my brain. The part of my brain my job has almost completely destroyed. What’s better still is that the original sketch I’m using for reference is almost too sketchy, and I’ve had to re-draw a lot of it on my own. I thought this was gonna be more of a straight tracing job to ease myself back into things, but no. I’m actually art-ing again.
When I sat down to write this post, none of these things were what I had intended to write about. I guess these are things that needed to come out.
Saturday was also interesting because of who I hung out with. I had plans to grab a late dinner and yogurt with Jasmine. She told me she was bringing Ian. I haven’t seen him in probably close to six years. I can’t even remember how long its been. They brought over the xbox, and we played some zombie games and drank beers and relived old stories. It was particularly weird to hear Jasmine and Ian go off on their rants about Legoland. They both still work there, and it was… strange… to see how little had changed for them. Six years later, and their still where I left them.
I’m still giving a lot of thought about this “five best days of my life” idea of mine. Maybe I bit off more than I can chew. I’ve got 3 solid days, 1 mostly solid, and 1 total weak-sauce day. As soon as I find a replacement to that weak-sauce day, I’ll start. I haven’t given up. Maybe I just haven’t lived that many awesome days yet.
Hey look. I said yet. Maybe I’ve got faith in me after all.
Goodnight Moon.
I choose my words carefully.
Posted on June 25th, 2009 at 12:58am
I should probably make a post tonight. It’s been over a week.
But… not tonight.
Goodnight Moon.
Thank you.
Posted on June 16th, 2009 at 12:19am
“How did you get this number? I can’t get my head ’round you. Of course you’re not coming over,” she said. “Snap out of it. You’re not making any sense.”
There was silence for a while.
“You couldn’t be more wrong, darling,” she continued. “I never gave out these signs. You misunderstand all meaning. Snap out of it. I’m not falling for this one.”
“Do just what I tell you, and no one will get hurt,” I wanted to say. “Don’t come any closer, ’cause I dunno how long I can hold my heart in two.”
She spoke again. “If you think that it’s so damn easy, then what do you need me for?” Her words took an eternity to sink in. “Just look at the state of you. Babe, snap out of it. You’re not listening to this.”
“And for once, could you let me finish my sentence?” I ironically interrupted her. “Do just what I tell you and no one will get hurt.”
“Please,” I begged. “Don’t come any closer, ’cause I don’t know how long I can hold my heart in two.”
It was her turn to be silent. “Now I’ve had it up to here,” I said. “Don’t ever try that again. Why are you so quiet so suddenly? Go on, have it. You’re just dying to try me.”
So, what do we do now?
Goodnight Moon.
Maybe, someday…
