Maybe-Someday.com

Posted on November 9th, 2009 at 12:38am

Suddenly, I’m checking and re-checking, and re-checking the locks on my doors and windows three or four times before I head into bed.

Sarah asked me if I knew where to get film for her Holga camera. I suggested a place called OPT in Oceanside. I realized the last time I was there was when I bought my Canon camera. She suggested we go together and grab breakfast beforehand. I figured while I was the camera place I could see if they could pull up an old receipt for me.

We had breakfast at Beach Break Cafe. A little hole in the wall place I’ve never heard off, but is super popular. One of those “it’s worth the 45 minute wait to get seated” places. I had the banana-crunch French toast and it was every bit as delicious as it looks. It was so much food. We had a moment of sitting at the table and groaning in delicious agony before we stood up.

We then went to OPT. I spoke to a guy, told him my situation, and asked if it was possible to print out an old receipt. He said it was no problem at all. He took my last name, and browsed through the system. The only Saucier on file was Todd. I guess my purchase in 2005 goes too far back for their system. I had momentarily got my hopes up.

I spent a lot of the weekend at my parent’s house, slowly cleaning out the garage. It’s been a complete and utter disaster area in there for over a year. Even with Todd in Portland, I’m still texting him every five minutes with a picture of some random something asking him “Do you want this? Can I throw it away??”

I’ve talked about my choice of theme with my mom a bit now, and I think I’ve got her excited enough to really help out. I’m very excited to really get going, but I’m a bit ahead of myself. I’ve got a lot of things planned out already, but what I’m missing now is one big center-piece of an object to build. It’ll come to me.

I’ve also gotta take it slow because all of this New Years party business may not happen, thanks to the robbery. Depending on what happens with my insurance, any extra money I have throughout the rest of the year may have to go towards replacing all of my stuff. It’s slow going.

I’m gonna go check the locks for the 5th time, then get to bed.

Goodnight Moon.
One step at a time.

Posted on November 8th, 2009 at 12:19am

Friday morning, while I was at work, someone broke into my apartment. The window screen was cut off the frame, then crawled in through the window. Danny was home, and asleep the whole time. In fact, they actually closed his bedroom door, then just went to town.

They took my iMac, my external hard drive, my MacMini, my PC laptop, all three of my cameras, my first gen iPhone, the Wii and about 20 games… but I’m still finding things missing, so there’s likely more.

Right around noon on Friday I got a text from Danny asking me if I took my computer to work with me. My stomach sank the second I read that and called him right back. He told me he had just woke up, went out in to the living room and saw all of my entertainment center doors wide open and wires pulled out. Then noticed my iMac was gone off my desk in my bedroom. Then he noticed the MacMini was gone too.

I raced home, frantically making phone calls to my parents, while Danny called the police. By the time I got to my place the cop was already there. The longer we stood around giving information the more and more I noticed was missing. My laptop, which was next to my couch. The Wii was gone, and the entire shelf of games was empty. In my bedroom my dresser was almost completely emptied out. Things from within my closet were all pulled out.

I gave a statement to the cop. He was very nice and probably did a lot to help calm me down. I already made a phone call to my insurance place to start the process of filing a claim. I’ve got some paper work to fill out for the police, gathering serial numbers and stuff like that. I should hear back from the insurance company soon, then I’ll have a lot of paper work for them, I’m sure. I’ve already started gathering receipts for some of my things. Thank the banana-god for Apple’s e-mail receipts.

My blog has also helped a lot. I was able to track down approximate purchase dates for my laptop and cameras. That will help when I go to Fry’s and ask them to print out a copy of a receipt for me, which is on my agenda for tomorrow.

As always, the front office of this complex were completely apathetic to my cause. When I went to inform them of the break in, I felt like I was just boring the girl I was talking to. She didn’t really seem to care, or want to know. I told them about the ripped window screen, and she said she’d get it fixed before the end of the day. Which never happened. So I went in this morning and tried again, was told the same thing, and it’s still not fixed. So I get to yell at someone tomorrow. Joy.

So for now, I’m just going through the motions. Outside of the shittiness of having my stuff stolen, it’s also a pain in the ass to have to deal with canceling all of my credit cards, and bank accounts. All of my financial information was on the computer.

I’m trying not to think about the files on the computer, to be honest. That’s where I’ll get really depressed. I’ve got photos going back 10+ years. I was working on an illustration for Emily’s birthday. Ugh… moving on.

And then there’s the on-going fun game of “Discover more things that are missing.” Last night I noticed my pocket knife is gone. That was a birthday gift from Todd. I didn’t even notice my 35mm camera was gone until I started this post.

So, that’s pretty much it for now. As much as I never want to leave my apartment alone again, it really sucks being here… because, well… there’s nothing to do. I had some junker PC machine under a table in the living room that they either didn’t see or decided it was too big to take. I’ve got it all set up on my desk, but it’s only good for digging through e-mails and other small things.

Every time I start to look for something to do, my first though is “Well I can download a few episodes of a new TV show and watch them… oh, wait. Nope.”

So, last night I binged on movies and wine. I watched The Fountain, Lost in Translation, and Hackers… and slowly tackled another bottle of wine. I went to bed around 3 or 4 in the morning… and slept pretty well.

It’s almost midnight right now… and I’m strongly considering a repeat of last night.

Goodnight Moon.
Keep me sane.

Posted on November 4th, 2009 at 2:35am

I went to bed early last night. Before midnight, even. I’ll half blame the time change (suddenly driving home in the pitch dark, with fog, really skews my sense of time), and I’ll half blame just running out of things to do. I got bored. But the second I climbed into bed, my head started moving a mile a minute about this upcoming New Years party.

I’m going to really start pushing and hounding everyone I know about this party real soon. Trying to get as many commitments as possible. My little heart cannot stand a repeat of this Halloween party business. I briefly talked to Todd today, he’s not sure if he’s going to be here for New Years, but I’d love it of he and Beth could make it. And bring all of their friends, of course. I sent a message to Li-Ling, as I know she’ll be in town for the holidays. Not yet sure if she’ll be here for New Years either. I wonder if I can sweet talk Charrmaine and Jared to come too. And what about… Emily?

I suggested to my parents that my Christmas present this year should be to take whatever money they would normally spend on presents for me, and turn that into my budget for the party. Convincing my dad how much of a good idea that is for a present for me might be difficult, but I know my mom already knows. When I go big for these parties, I really go big. I easily spent a few hundred dollars on my Tiki party and Pirate party. Each. Having a budget would be a god send.

My brain was working all day today, too. I went on the treadmill for the first time in a couple weeks, and it went by quicker than usual because the entire time I was thinking about decorations, things to build, how to set up, etc, etc, etc.

The hard part comes in a week or so when I have to shut up. At some point, usually right around when I actually start building things, I’ve gotta remind myself to shut up about what I’m working on. Don’t wanna build it up — any more than I already am, of course.

I’m also in the early stages of comping out a re-design of this ol’ website. I don’t know where I got the urge to do it this time. It sure did sneak up on me suddenly.

Between the website, and planning for this party, I’ve got three art projects going on right now!

The third is a secret. For now.

Goodnight Moon.
Maybe, Someday.

Posted on November 2nd, 2009 at 2:30am

Turns out I knew quite a few more people at that party than I expected. Sarah and I showed up somewhat early on. Plenty of people were already there, but the vast majority had yet to come. It was at kid named Garret’s house, who I had met for the first time a month ago at the birthday thing at Sarah’s place. I immediately recognized Ted, sitting on the couch in his Tinkerbell costume. I wanted to say “Is it last year already?” but I’m trying to be civil.

I was introduced around a little. The cute gothy girl that was being friendly with me took my picture. It was the perfect opportunity to say “Hey, here’s my e-mail to send me a copy of that,” but I sure as shit don’t have the guts for any kind of anything like that. So the rest of the night we continued to make small bits of eye contacts, maybe a smile here or there, but I certainly didn’t talk to her any more. Because… I mean… I left my balls at home.

Later in the night more and more familiar faces showed up. All part of the current Borders crew, who I’ve only met once or twice at other parties. One guy I met said “Oh, you’re Chris Saucier. I’ve heard the stories about you.” There’s an entire rainbow of stories he could be referring to.

Sam and his buddies brought over a huge (ten-gallon!) Home Depot water cooler full of a special drink they call Apple Pie. I was told to go slow on it as it’s key ingredient is Baccardi 151 (a kind of rum I hadn’t yet experienced). When Sarah found out I was on my third Apple Pie (after previous glasses of rum and vodka), she insisted I stop. “Shit dude, you’re driving!” to be more accurate.

So from about 2 in the morning on I was drinking my water, and judging by the size of the headache I had this morning, it wasn’t even close to enough. Things started to really slow down after 2 or 3 in the morning. It was kind of hard to keep track of the time due to the time change right in the middle of the damn thing.

We didn’t leave until around 3:30 (which was actually 4:30), and by the time I got home and unscrewed myself, I was crawling into bed at around 4:30 (which was actually 5:30).

I woke up many times, drank more water, and went right back to sleep. It was about 2 in the afternoon by the time I got out of bed. The first thing I did was throw on enough clothes to be considered decent and went to Jack In The Box and stuffed my face with the greasiest burger I could find. And cheese sticks, just to be safe.

I apparently didn’t learn my lesson from last Halloween. The only two hangovers I’ve had, have been on November 1st. Imagine that.

All in all, it was an okay night. Certainly better than staying home alone, knee deep in empty wine bottles (which I assure you was the only other option I had). I just couldn’t help but feel like the quiet guy right outside the conversation circle that no one talked to, except when he chimed in with stories about bleeding nipples, or cross-dressing Randall… because, well… that’s what I was.

Goodnight Moon.
Nothing at all.

Posted on October 31st, 2009 at 2:05am

Tomorrow night I am going to a Halloween party with Sarah and “a bunch of severe alcoholics,” and a tentative end-time of about three in the morning. I’m not sure exactly how many other people will be there, but she will be the only person I know.

What could possibly go wrong?

Goodnight Moon.
Dream On.

Posted on October 27th, 2009 at 1:08am

With a little help from Martha Stewart, of all people, I came up with a pretty cool idea for Halloween invitations: To fake my own kidnapping. So I bought 10 little boxes, ten fake fingers, some fake blood and sent off ten severed fingers to ten of my friends. With the finger came a chicken scratch ransom note, and a polaroid of me all hog tied in duct tape, bloodied and bruised.

It went over pretty well. Everyone had some kind of reaction, one way or another. And that’s really all I could as for, I suppose. Todd texted me told me he had just a momentary flash of panic. Carrie told me it was the best invitation she’ll ever see. Tera told me she’s proud of me. I had lots of people comment on the photos when I put them online. All went well.

Except for the part where people said they’d actually come to the party. I really only got one solid yes, and a half dozen “Maybe I’ll swing by”s. Which is fine… I guess. It’s halloween. People have plans. I guess I didn’t get the invitations out soon enough. Or something.

So, with my tail between my legs, I sent out a mass-texting to everyone letting them know I’m canceling the party. I may just end up staying home watching another batch of TV episodes. There was brief talk of maybe Tera still coming over, and us drinking until it doesn’t hurt anymore. I don’t know if that will actually happen.

I would love to not take it personally. But… well, you know me.

Goodnight Moon.

Over six years ago…

Ha.

Posted on October 20th, 2009 at 1:14am

Emily sent me a journal in the mail. A big box of birthday gifts, with all kinds of cute things in it. But this journal is titled Fuck You And Your Blog, and there’s a note inside telling me to write all of my truly private entries in the journal instead of online. It’s a cute thought… but it goes again what I’ve been working towards for the past [ohmygodcanyoubelieveit'salmostbeen] ten years.

The same night I got this journal in the mail, I got drunk on wine and tried to spill my guts. I tried, and even in my loose-lipped, word-vomitous state, I couldn’t seem to get what was in my brain/heart out.

Backspace backspace backspace backspace backspace…. “No, I can’t say that…

So this journal with it’s cute clouds and balloon on the cover is starting to feel more appetizing. But to keep an actual journal? I don’t know. It doesn’t feel right to me. But I bet the moment I truly let what wants to come out escape, I’ll change my mind. We’ll see… I make no promises.

Life goes on, for me. This big ordeal that I seemingly can’t talk about really isn’t all that big. On the surface its girl related, yes. But it goes much deeper than that. My need to talk about it stems from the thought that if maybe you knew just how I felt before/during/after… that maybe-just-maybe you’d cut me some slack, and maybe-just-maybe we could start fresh.

This trend of losing friends faster than I can make new ones continues. But instead of friends just moving away, or growing apart, I seem to actually be pushing them away this time around. It feels worse, of course. It almost stings. Except in once case, in which it was quite honestly a welcomed change. But by and large, this is obviously not a good trend happening in my life.

So, I slink away. I spent my Saturday night, once again, on my couch drinking wine and watching downloaded TV shows. Truth is… I love it. I’m halfway through Firefly right now, and I wanted so much to watch a few more episodes tonight, but I decided to enact some will power and wait until next Saturday when I can binge on seven final episodes and another bottle of wine. I sure as shit won’t have any better plans.

Oh, but Chris… you hung out with Tera on Friday and racked up a $100 tab on drinks. And on Sunday you went to Disneyland with Jasmine and spent the whole day there. Why do you only focus on Saturday when you stayed home?

Well, I don’t really have an answer. It’s so few and far between that I see Tera anymore. I suppose that’s a double edged sword. I may only see her once a month, but it’s usually one hell of a good time when I do. I see Jasmine maybe every other weekend, and we often do a dinner/movie night kind of situation. I’m pretty sure these are the last two friends I’ve got that I see on any regular basis.

And as for you… It’s getting pretty close to the point where we say adieu. I can tolerate your selfishness only so much, and it seems like five years is my limit. C’est la vie.

Bonne Nuit Lune.
Peut-être un jour…

Posted on October 18th, 2009 at 3:50am

Evidently, I need more wine to finish the post I started.

Goodnight Moon.
It’s always for the better.

Posted on October 14th, 2009 at 1:05am

There has been a lot going on lately, and as much as I want to talk all about it and pour my little guts out right here, I don’t think the time is right.

I’ve spent too many nights lately on the verge of tears, and curled up in bed. Wanting to put an end to the night, so I crawl into bed at 10, or earlier. It hasn’t pretty. I put down a bottle and a half of wine Saturday night, all by my lonesome, and it was probably the best night of the weekend. Up until 2am watching House and making grilled cheese sandwiches.

This time around I’ve been mostly pretty transparent with my depression. I usually try my best to keep it under wraps, save for a stray emo tweet or two that manages to escape. But this time, I’ve been pretty up front about it. People’s reactions have been varied, but I tend to be getting a lot of “You’re so wonderful.”

And this may be one of the most fucked up things I’ve ever said, but I’m sick to death of being told I’m wonderful. The root of all of this depression is coming from a place that screams at me “you are not good enough,” and when I come face to face with people telling me I’m wonderful… not only do I just not believe it, but it’s starting to feel cheap. I’m tired of just being told, that I’m a good person, that things will turn around for me, that I deserve better… After so long, they just become words. If I’m really so wonderful, things would be better for me. If I deserved better, things would be better. It’s so easy to say a few pretty words and move on.

I’ve been giving a lot of thought about therapy. But, really… I’ve lost my faith in that. I grew up in that age when everyone was being prescribed some kind of anti-depressant, or other behavioral drug, so maybe I’ve just been tricked into believing it. But I think my answer may actually be drugs. That this depression, while sparked from legitimate events in my life, is hitting me far more extremely than it ought to because of deficiencies in my brain. And I don’t believe any amount of “so how does that make you feel?” will fix anything.

But then my next problem is that I’m just so fucking god dammed lazy, that I’ll never make the effort to make an appointment anywhere, regardless of if I think it’s the right move or not. I also think there’s a bit of a pride element here, too. I wonder if I’m just too fucking proud to get help. I’m fully aware it makes no sense to say that in the middle of a public journal entry where I whine and bitch about crying in bed.

Something needs to change. I don’t know what. So change something. But I can’t. And I don’t know why. I’m lazy, and I’m scared. And I hate change, even when it’s for the better. Even when I know it’s for the better. I can’t… make myself do it. I can barely make myself do things I want to do. A productive night for me anymore is watching a Netflix movie. I get a sense of accomplishment from that?

And then words like failure and pathetic swarm in my brain. And this goes on and on. And on. And then I run to bed because it’s the only way I can shut off my brain.

Something’s gotta give.

Goodnight Moon.

Posted on October 11th, 2009 at 2:48am

One of these days…

We’ll sit down and tell each other the true story of what really happened. In the mean time, it will be our little secret.

Goodnight Moon.
Maybe Someday.