Maybe-Someday.com

Posted on March 29th, 2009 at 11:46pm

Moving on….

This may have been one of the worse little funks of mine in recent memory. At least, the longest lasting. I couldn’t quite figure out what started the whole damn thing. But then there was a chat I had with Alex yesterday over pizza and pasta at Disneyland.

I don’t even know how long ago it was now, but Emily made a post in her journal about an ex of hers (a long-term boyfriend, lots of emotional ties severed, a big deal kind of relationship) has a new girl and is now pregnant. The post was just about how weird it is to find out that kind of news, with a touch of “that could have been me.”

The first thing I did was put myself in those tiny shoes of hers. I know there will be a day relatively soon that I catch word of a certain ex of mine is pregnant. And it’s not a matter of jealousy, or any of the that could’ve of been me stuff… but maybe, as Alex put it, “I’d be okay if it were me.” I mean, shit. I’m 27, and as close to a woman as genetically possible. And as funny as it may always sound saying, my clock is ticking. The notion of “settling down” is on my mind.

But I think it’s also more of a… It’s difficult to see people younger than me doing better in life. “But better is a relative term, Chris!” It fucks with my shit a little. Starting my job here at RTC, I was put in quite the funk after learning Marke was married at 24. Another co-worker of mine, Brian, was about the same age and owned a house.

Maybe it is a jealousy thing. And I’m just trying to dress it up so I don’t sound so petty.

There’s just no worse feeling than being a failure.

So, getting back on point. Now that I think I’ve figured out the catalyst of this whole mess of depression I’ve been in all-god-damn-month long, I think I can take some steps to get over it. The first is to re-focus on learning to be alone. I’ve made some great strides over the past year, and I’m damn proud of myself actually. But there’s work to be done, still. I was just telling James that some of my best nights in this stupid apartment are soaked in wine, a good movie, sprawled out on the couch. I need more of those.

I need to re-focus. Everything needs to change.

I’m trying to focus on the positive. I’m very accomplished in the department of “The Glass Is Half Empty,” and that needs to end. Over the past week I’ve been trying to come up with a list of the five best nights on my life. The first two came easy. I only picked a number three tonight. I’ve got a number four hanging by a thread. And I’m completely lost on trying to find my fifth. Once I have all five in my head, I will most definitely elaborate on them. They’re my little secrets for now.

There’s always more to be said, but I think I’ll call it a night.

I’m on the path to recovery.

Goodnight Moon.
No Day But Today.