Maybe-Someday.com

Posted on October 20th, 2009 at 1:14am

Emily sent me a journal in the mail. A big box of birthday gifts, with all kinds of cute things in it. But this journal is titled Fuck You And Your Blog, and there’s a note inside telling me to write all of my truly private entries in the journal instead of online. It’s a cute thought… but it goes again what I’ve been working towards for the past [ohmygodcanyoubelieveit'salmostbeen] ten years.

The same night I got this journal in the mail, I got drunk on wine and tried to spill my guts. I tried, and even in my loose-lipped, word-vomitous state, I couldn’t seem to get what was in my brain/heart out.

Backspace backspace backspace backspace backspace…. “No, I can’t say that…

So this journal with it’s cute clouds and balloon on the cover is starting to feel more appetizing. But to keep an actual journal? I don’t know. It doesn’t feel right to me. But I bet the moment I truly let what wants to come out escape, I’ll change my mind. We’ll see… I make no promises.

Life goes on, for me. This big ordeal that I seemingly can’t talk about really isn’t all that big. On the surface its girl related, yes. But it goes much deeper than that. My need to talk about it stems from the thought that if maybe you knew just how I felt before/during/after… that maybe-just-maybe you’d cut me some slack, and maybe-just-maybe we could start fresh.

This trend of losing friends faster than I can make new ones continues. But instead of friends just moving away, or growing apart, I seem to actually be pushing them away this time around. It feels worse, of course. It almost stings. Except in once case, in which it was quite honestly a welcomed change. But by and large, this is obviously not a good trend happening in my life.

So, I slink away. I spent my Saturday night, once again, on my couch drinking wine and watching downloaded TV shows. Truth is… I love it. I’m halfway through Firefly right now, and I wanted so much to watch a few more episodes tonight, but I decided to enact some will power and wait until next Saturday when I can binge on seven final episodes and another bottle of wine. I sure as shit won’t have any better plans.

Oh, but Chris… you hung out with Tera on Friday and racked up a $100 tab on drinks. And on Sunday you went to Disneyland with Jasmine and spent the whole day there. Why do you only focus on Saturday when you stayed home?

Well, I don’t really have an answer. It’s so few and far between that I see Tera anymore. I suppose that’s a double edged sword. I may only see her once a month, but it’s usually one hell of a good time when I do. I see Jasmine maybe every other weekend, and we often do a dinner/movie night kind of situation. I’m pretty sure these are the last two friends I’ve got that I see on any regular basis.

And as for you… It’s getting pretty close to the point where we say adieu. I can tolerate your selfishness only so much, and it seems like five years is my limit. C’est la vie.

Bonne Nuit Lune.
Peut-être un jour…