Today was a day.
I’m not exactly sure where the correct place to begin on this one is. I’ll try and keep things short, as this is a topic I could write pages about.
I sent Mallory and e-mail tonight telling her that I think we’ve reached a point in our friendship where the best course of action is shake hands and walk away.
Ever since I met her I’ve struggled with my gut feelings about her, and whether or not she’s telling me the truth on things. It’s hard to argue with gut feelings, but I did my best having no real reason to suspect otherwise, other than just a feeling.
Over the course of two years, small bits of evidence started to build up. I’d make small mental notes about some stories she’d tell me that seem off, things like that. However, just a few weeks ago I caught her in a complete lie about something very insignificant. I’m trying to delicately walk the line of telling this story, while still being respectful to her privacy, so there will be corners cut. Suffice to say, this story she was telling me was about just some small, insignificant conversation she had with a co-worker. Something so trivial and small, that it’s completely mind boggling to me that she would feel a need to make it up.
I called her on it. She admitted it was a complete fabrication. Tried to justify it, and failed to convince me. As I told her in the e-mail, with that lie she has undone almost everything of the past two years. She completely validated my suspicions. And once you lose trust in someone, there’s really no where to from there.
I sat on these feelings for some time, hoping I would get over it. For the sake of the friendship, and all of that. But I’ve come to realize that there can’t be a friendship. “Worth it” or not, there was no friendship to save.
It’s been over a week since we last hung out. In a conversation online earlier in the week I told her that I feel like she’s pulling away, and that it’s starting to feel like she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. To which she replied to with, “Have you seen all the pictures of the wedding I went to that I put up on Facebook?”
Well, I just don’t know where to go from there.
It all boiled to a head tonight. We had made plans to go to a party tonight with a lot of our old Borders mates. She agreed to go, but when it came time to leave she flaked on me. We went back and forth, and I tried to do my best “I’m in a good mood today” impression to coax her out. She told me she felt sick, and I immediately wondered if that was the truth, or “just another lie.” (I found out it was, as she later told me she didn’t want to go out for an entirely different reason). Then it just caught up to me. I haven’t seen you in over a week, last time we did speak it became an argument, and you’re not willing to come out and hang out with me to try to repair any of this?? There is no friendship here.
So the e-mail I wrote a week ago and couldn’t find the nerve to send finally got sent.
I spent my Saturday night feeling quite a bit like a loser. Two apartments next to mine had loud parties until one in the morning, but I’m on the couch watching Boston Legal.
The last episodes of the last season, by the way, which only added to my sadness.
C’est la vie, I suppose.
Before all of this, however, the day was pretty good. I ran into Sarah Curtis at Borders, and we chatted briefly. I invited her to join DPRL, and she sounded pretty excited about it. I feel a little bad because I was so brief with her, because I was running late and under the impression that we would be talking more tonight at the party. I feel like I owe her an apology.
Of course I could have gone to the party by myself, and I probably should have. But that’s neither here nor there, right now.
Bethany’s graduation party was also today. It was quite fun! We stood around with margaritas and beers, discussing Lost and watching Pilot jump around like a dolphin. The food was absolutely delicious. It was good to be out amongst the living for a while.
I’ve still got 2 more days of this 3 day weekend. I don’t think much will happen tomorrow. Sunday’s are usually a little slower. But I’m thinking about going to Ikea on Monday and checking out a sale they’ve got going on. I’m definitely not painting the place this weekend, so I’d like to do something in the way of making the apartment feel fresh again.
Denny said some amazing words in the last few episodes. “Everything we do is for impressng the girl. Even when the girl’s not there.”
I missed the next five minutes of the show as that line sunk in.
Goodnight Moon.
Dream On.
