Maybe-Someday.com

Friday, February 27th, 2009 at 12:34am

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“The way out is through.” Meaning, the only way to get done needs to get done, is to just fucking do it. This will be this weeks theme.

Life is pretty good these past few days, actually. Chock it up to this new diet, maybe. I was asked earlier in the week if I feel any different/better being so long without fast food. I hadn’t really given it any thought before, but I suppose I do. All week long, the hours between getting home from work and going to bed (which have always been my least favorite hours of the day), have been… enjoyable.

I’m going to continue to stack on weekly goals. All on top of each other, one at a time.

There has definitely been a mood change within me lately. It kinda sneaks up on me and takes me by surprise sometimes. The topic of “learning to be alone” has been one of discussion lately. This was also advice given to me by Emily a couple years ago. It has taken a long time, but I feel that I’m finally reaching that.

November 15, 2005

I’ve been coming home from work to an empty house (Danny still doesn’t count). I’ll watch a movie, cook a dinner (Wednesday night was delicious quesadillas, which I’m still happy from), work on a project on my computer (just recently installed Windows on my Mac so I could play some PC games), play some Mario Kart Wii with James and his buddies… I’ve just been keeping busy. It’s such a change of pace for me. I’ve spent too many nights bored and alone, simply browsing the internet ad nauseum, counting down the hours until it was time for bed.

It feels really good to come home from work and have the energy and desire to want to do something other than waste away on the computer. Even if I’m just watching a movie, or playing video games. It’s something.

It’s a start.

There is a sense of accomplishment I’ve got now. I realize how silly this all must sound. All I’ve done is given up some food, and started playing video games — and I feel accomplished? Well, I guess that just goes to show what life was like before I did those things.

It’s a start. And it’s all leading up to something bigger.

Five years ago today.

Goodnight Moon.
Dream On.

Monday, February 23rd, 2009 at 12:03am

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The line “I still dream of lips I never should have kissed” (nine inch nails – Sanctified) has always stood out to me. I first heard the song over fifteen years ago (jesus christ, I’m old…), and even though I’ve got no point of reference to it, nor can I relate to it… it’s always stood out to me.

I took Pretty Hate Machine for a spin tonight for old time’s sake. There’s been a slow emerging trend in the office lately—all of us dusting off our old high school tunes. For me that’s meant lots of noisy, dirty Digital Hardcore Recordings albums, but tonight has been a nine inch nails night. So when that line came around tonight, it fell on a different set of ears. Suddenly it has a meaning to me. I’ve got my reference.

December 3, 2004

I hate looking back on my life. It’s something I do too often, and too well. Tomorrow will never be as good as yesterday. That may very well be etched into headstone, because I believe it so strongly to be true. I hated high school at the time, but looking back had nothing but good times. Going to college wasn’t something I really wanted to do, but would certainly go back now if I had a time machine. I’m well aware that as tough as times are now for me, by next month today will look pretty good.

It’s not a very good outlook to have on life. I’m taking a ride on a downward spiral, until the ultimate end… death. Each day just a little worse than the day before.

Yet… this phrase of mine. The one I cling so strongly to. The one I named my website after because… I have hope that maybe someday things will change. Hopefully things will get better. Maybe not tomorrow, and maybe not next week. But…

I would love so much to believe in “the promise of tomorrow,” but I’ve already lived 27 years worth of tomorrows. I’d take yesterday any day.

I suppose all of this means that I should cherish today because tomorrow is going to be yesterday any day now.

“Every day I hope and pray that this will end,
But when I can, I do it all again.”

Goodnight Moon.
I am sanctified inside you.

Friday, February 20th, 2009 at 1:07am

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I’m probably putting way too much faith in these new glasses of mine. I don’t know when I’m gonna get the call to pick them up (hopefully tomorrow), but I’m really expecting them to stop these headaches. The doc-lady said my prescription had, in fact, changed… but only a teeny-tiny bit. She advised I didn’t wear my glasses while on the computer, but I honestly don’t think that’s the problem. I haven’t been on the computer since I got home from at around 6, and my head is just killing me right now.

It’s not a migraine. This is just all up in the front of my brain, right behind my eyes. A dull ache that is so damn persistent. Either, it’s my eyes straining too hard to focus, or else I’ve got a damn tumor up there somewhere. Those are the only two logical things at this point.

I’ve been going a full week without eating fast food. It probably sounds a little ridiculous to make a big deal out of something like that, but that’s kind of the point for me. It’s not trivial for me. I typically eat fast food of some variety once a day. All too often will I grab something at lunch from one burger place, then get home and go out to another burger place with Mallory later in the evening. Despite the fact that… it’s just gross to eat that much, it’s damn expensive.

So, starting like Sunday I said no more. And so far, I’ve done mighty good. I’ve been to subway twice, which I do not count as fast food. And anything I order costs 5 bucks right now, so it’s not too expensive. Surprisingly, it’s the dinners that have been more tricky. I can handle making a sandwich for lunch at work, but I come home hungry for something more substantial than just a sandwich. Tonight was so far the most difficult, mostly because I was just so damn hungry by the time I got home.

All in all, I am pretty sure I’ll be able to make it until Sunday again without a problem. After that, I’ll just see how long I can carry it on for. Go me, I guess.

I would very much like to go to Disneyland on Saturday, but I will wait. I have perfected an average Disneyland trip to cost less than 30 bucks, which is very decent, I’d say. But right now, even that is too tight for my little wallet. I’ve got a stack of DVDs from Netflix that need my attention… so, I think that’ll be my weekend.

Head. Hurts. Bed.

Goodnight Moon.

Wednesday, February 18th, 2009 at 1:49am

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It’s nearly two in the morning, and I’m wide awake.

I came home from work very motivated to re-arrange my room after seeing some pictures of James’ friend Beamer’s workspace, and living room. It got my blood pumping, so I came home and tried to clean up my room quite a bit.

I’m quite a fan of how it all turned out. My room won’t stay this clean for much longer, I’m sure. But, for now, it’s quite nice.

I know I’m in need of a real post on this thing sometime soon. It seems every time I sit down to write, I lose all my gusto right away. I might need to start forcing myself to write more, otherwise I’m going to grow out of the habit altogether.

Maybe there’s not a ton going on these days. I’ve been trying to de-stress to the best of my ability (see: last post). I’m quite aware that my stress-level runs high on normal days. However, this month has been one bad event after another. If I make it out of February with a full head of black hair, I’ll be dammed surprised.

Add to my worries about money, and my car, and my glasses breaking (but that problem is at least fixed now), and everything else — I just haven’t been sleeping well. At all. I tend to wake up at around 5 in the morning every day. I’ll get a glass of water or something, and then just go back to bed for a few more hours. I’m waking up feeling tired and achey. I’ve got this feeling of dragging my feet behind me for the first few hours of the day. And just.. blargh! With a small amount of luck, maybe moving my bed and putting some fresh clean sheets on might calm me down a little.

I feel like I’m fighting like hell to keep my head above water. It’s exhausting. I’m starting to thinking drowning won’t be so bad.

Anywho. I’ll try this again tomorrow night. Try to get good and regular.

Goodnight Moon.
Dream On.

Wednesday, February 11th, 2009 at 11:42pm

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I’ve been so fired up for a good post about juicy topics all day long, yet somehow when I sit in front of this computer it all goes wooshing out of my head. Let’s see if I can’t recapture some of that fire.

I woke up to a bit of a slap in the face. In the very same blog post where 6am continues to berate me for implying that she jumps from boy to boy, she talks about how happy she is that she’s now dating someone new. The same bloody post.

I’m sorry, but I’m just done. It’s tragic. It honestly is. Her and I have a past that goes back farther than most of my best friends of today. But these past few conversations have just been over-the-top ridiculous. I’ve tried to hold the peace for as long as I can, and I’m just realizing now that I can’t do it anymore. I think the bigger realization is, actually, that I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t need this craziness in my life.

Somewhere along the lines we fell off the same page that we had so long been on. Now, it feels like we’re reading out of different books.

So… yeah.

I’m trying to think of something else to put in this post so it’s not just… this, but nothing is coming to mind. So, I suppose… that’s it.

I am sorry.

Goodnight Moon.
Goodbye, Starlight.

Monday, February 9th, 2009 at 12:11am

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These headaches will be the death of me.

Friday was a pretty decent day at work. A light load, a good lunch, and got to skip out an hour early. I used the extra hour to get ready for Marke’s birthday party. Mallory and I went up together to the Irvine Spectrum. It was pouring rain, and traffic was pretty obnoxious. It was kind of a disaster trying to get up there. I missed the off ramp, took the next to turn around, got lost outside the mall, somehow ended up on the 405 North, had to turn around again, and by then I was well over an hour late to dinner. Sadly, half out of frustration, I just gave up and went back home.

The other half was a stupid anxiety attack. I tend to get that sick-to-my-stomach belly-ache feeling before I go to things like this. A friends party, or some kind of event where I don’t know much about… I just get nervous. I once came very close to turning around on my way to Tera’s birthday party, after she moved up to LA and had made a bunch of new friends. But, this time around it was much worse than normal. Maybe it was the fact that it was gonna be a group of about 30 people I’ve never met before, or maybe it was just the added stress of getting lost in the rain, or some combination of both… But I was just not feeling too good about the night.

I’m pretty embarrassed about it, to be honest. It’s rarely ever been bad enough for me to just not show up to something. Perhaps the idea that there were 30 other people there camouflage my absence made it and easier decision for me to make. I don’t know.

Mallory and I ended up going back to my house and watching some TV and just taking it slow. It was quite nice, actually. We watched The Royal Tenenbaums… I think I fell asleep a little bit through that. Twice. She stayed until way late at night. Spent some time talking about all our exes and junk… which is certainly a favorite topic of mine.

Saturday was equally as good. We had dinner at a BBQ place called Famous Dave’s. It was quite delicious, and I look forward to going back soon. We watched Coraline in 3D, which was also quite delicious, and I plan to go back soon for that, too. My masculinity was humiliated when I couldn’t find the balls to turn around and tell the four 12 year old girls sitting behind us to shut the fuck up with their consistent talking talking talking talking talking talking throughout the whole movie. Ahem. After that, we came back to my place to watch Dreamcatcher…. which is half of a good movie. The back half of the film, however… is… uh, weird. We hung out for quite some time. I didn’t get to bed until 4 am, which hardly happens anymore.

My friend Krystle (AKA Lucille Brawl, AKA Reverend Ratticus) just completed a film project of her own to create 25 twenty-five second videos over the course of 25 days about her day-to-day life. She posted them individually as the month went on, but just the other day compiled all 25 into a ten-minute-long video. A “look into the life of” kinda thing. It’s entirely cooler than it has any right to be, so I thought I should re-post the damn thing here.

She makes me wonder what I’m doing with my life. Somewhere along the line I made a wrong turn.

Bugs Bunny and I got lost at Albuquerque.

My back hurts.

Goodnight Moon.
Maybe Someday.

Friday, February 6th, 2009 at 12:55am

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“Four cold walls, against my will. At least I know she’s lying still.”

Truth is, I’m pretty much forcing myself to make an entry tonight in the hopes of getting back into the habit of it all. I don’t want to go another week between posts. The few other blogs of my friends’ that I read have all seen a surge of action lately. Big juicy personal posts. I wish I had the guts to do that anymore.

Today wasn’t any better a day than yesterday. I had to wake up an hour earlier than I usually do in order to get my car down to the mechanic before the opening morning rush of walk-ins. New wiring, new battery, and $420 later, my car is back to working like normal… y’know, like it did a month ago.

Work was busy and stressful per usual. This week has been murder. Tomorrow should go easier on me, but Monday will be another busy day. I am taking Tuesday off, so I’ll very likely be staying late on Monday to get all my shit done in time.

Tuesday is Jasmine’s birthday. 29 in 2009. Good lord, I’ve known her since she was 21. That’s crazy. Is that right? Can’t be.

Anyway, it’s her birthday on Tuesday and there will be a small Disneyland trip with her and Michelle from Legoland. It’s been maybe 5 years since I last saw Michelle, so that’ll be interesting. Once upon a time, we were a foursome that went to Disneyland every other week. It’s been years and years since then, so I’m very excited and eager to see how it goes just the 3 of us on Tuesday.

Just like old times.

My relationship with 6am has come to it’s end. However you want to define relationship in that context is up to you, I suppose, but there has been a cease-and-desist put on all romantic aspects of “us.” I guess the best and most concise way to sum up what happened is “we just want different things.” I don’t want to get into any kind of long distance thing, and, well, I’m still not 100% clear as to what exactly is that she wants. I wish I had the energy to give this topic the long explanation and in depth analysis of my feelings it deserves, but… I don’t.

It will all heal in time.

Tomorrow night is a big birthday shindig for Marke. A huge (sounds like near 30 people) dinner at Red Robin in Irvine, followed by lots of fun at Dave and Busters. Meeting 30 some-odd new people is a little intimidating, regardless of how much I’m reassured how nice they all are. So, I’ll be bringing Mallory as my security blanket.

It’s time to sleep.

“Bye bye, beautiful. Don’t bother to write.”

Goodnight Moon.
Dream On.

Thursday, February 5th, 2009 at 1:28am

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I know it’s been well over a week since I last touched this guy. As much as I have to talk about, I don’t know how much I can really say. I don’t know how to word it all.

It’s just four days into February, and things are already starting to fall apart. It’s going to be a long month, for sure. I’ve got a laundry list of things falling apart, and the vast majority of them require money I don’t have. The fun things like… needing a new car battery—it died on me about a week and a half ago while at the gas station. It’s also starting to look like I have some bad wiring, or something, as just tonight my headlights stopped working.

And then there are things like needing new glasses. I’ve had these things on my face for 4+ years now, and I’m damn sure my prescription has changed. Sitting at a computer 8 or more hours a day + wearing glasses with the wrong prescription = very bad, very frequent headaches.

So, I’m a little strapped for cash as it is right now. I’m just barely keeping my head above water, so I suppose I shouldn’t really be complaining.

This is a metaphor.

A few nights ago, Mallory was having a particularly rough night. I never was entirely too sure what exactly was going on, but she wasn’t doing okay. I told her to come over and hang out for a bit so she should decompress. There was a good 15 minute back and forth of “come over,” “no i can’t, it’s late.” But I won out in the end when I went to go pick her up at about 1030pm. We hung out on the couch for about an hour and talked about all sorts of goings on.

It felt really good to be a friend to her, instead of my usual role as the sarcastic asshole comic relief.

There has been a lot going on with 6am lately. The bulk of which seemed to take place today. There’s entirely too much to re-cap, most of which I have no interest in reliving. Things took an unexpected turn south today. The catalyst being when I said to her:

“I like you lots, but I know I have to protect myself around you. I’ve jumped headfirst into the deep end of your pool twice now. And I drowned. So I’m gonna just hang out in the shallow end for a while now.”

I feel like I’ve been talking about this all day long, and I suddenly realize I don’t want to talk about it anymore. So, I’ll have to elaborate on this later. I could probably use a break from it, anyway.

Goodnight Moon.
Dream On.