In Limbo
Tuesday, November 25th, 2008 at 11:47pm
I am strangely tired tonight. Once again, my mind is going a million miles a minute.
Third verse, same as the first.
Goodnight Moon.
Don’t Bother Me
End Titles
Friday, November 21st, 2008 at 1:08am
Well, I think it’s about time I write something of substance, don’t you?
To be blunt, I’m depressed. I’m going through some kind of major breakdown right now, and I really feel like I’m losing my shit. These past few days have been… well, nothing. I’ve been quite numb, and very lethargic.
The obvious question—why? Well, I don’t know.
I think little by little things have been getting worse and worse. “Things” being the general totality of my life, I guess you could say. “Things” like, my relationships with my friends. “Things” like, financial issues. “Things” like, my general happiness. It’s hard to put specifics on what I’m thinking right now because any one thing is very small. But with enough drops of water you can fill an ocean.
So, let’s grow some balls and talk about the specifics. Starting with the obvious. I hate being single. Just detest it.
Over lunch the other day, I was giving Marke a brief run down over my dating history. He made the comment that it seemed like I had been in so many long-term relationships (I have three relationships lasting more than three years). It got me thinking, and I told him that the perceptions of my relationships are a little askew because everyone of them was so back-to-back. Right as things with Emily ended, I dated Michelle. Michelle lead right into Cheryl, right into Florisarah. Anjanette was essentially my rebound off Florisarah. And, well I’ve been single ever since then (save for the 3 weeks I was with Mallory, which I’ll get to). Over a year and a half ago.
I can already hear Emily’s nagging motherly advice telling me that I need to be single right now. Maybe not just “right now,” but I need to be single for as long as it doesn’t bother me that I am.
To quote my alter-ego, Ted Mosby: Look, I’m done being single. I’m not good at it.
So, there’s all of that. I’ve got two friends who have recently signed up for online dating service thingies, and there’s a part of me that thinks “hey, it can’t hurt to look.” But, thankfully, and overwhelming majority of me slaps that little bit of me around and screams, “you’re not throwing in the towel yet.”
Not that dating services automatically equals giving up. But I do believe that neither of my friends are at (what I would consider) the appropriate stage to start looking for romance online. I know that I’m certainly not there yet.
So, another negative that’s been weighing me down forever. My relationship with Mallory. Let me preface this by saying two things. 1.) Over the past week, she has come a long way in dealing with her demons, and has become far more like, what I would call, Old-Mallory, which she is ironically calling New-Mallory. As such, to some extent, we are both ironing out the last of the kinks in our friendship, and making lots of progress. 2.) I’m pretty sure everything I’m going to say here, I’ve already told her in person. Perhaps that clarification is only important to me.
Long before we dated, and so much more so after, she has been my only real-life friend. As in, the only friend who is here in my area to hang out with me on a regular basis. My other friends (SarahCurtis, and CarrieBobbie, etc.) are far more social friends who I really only see at parties. It would be weird to invite just one of them over to watch a movie after work someday. If I were to lose Mallory as a friend, I would quite simply have no one to hang out with without making a long drive North.
The way I worded it once was that by dating her I gained a girlfriend, but lost a friend. As an extension of that, even after the relationship was over, I had still lost that friend; Old-Mallory. We were good friends, and I crossed the streams. That’s not to say that dating her was a mistake, or that I regret it. I don’t. At all. And, even though it was a short relationship, it was intense, and every bit as significant as any other relationship I’ve had. But I did taint a friendship that was very solid—and I lament that.
As it was, I’m going through this depression-funk that’s been effecting me for months now, and I’ve been unable to to to her with any of my issues because we’ve been so god damn awkward. It’s been a long, complicated, and winding road to get where we are now. It may be a little premature to say that she’s back, but so far it seems like she is. And I’m a hopeful person.
Taken: March 5th, 2002.
The last bit of specific depression points I want to touch on has to do with Tera. She’s been in her own funk for a while now, and seems to now be coming out of it. We have been talking much more frequently, and much friendlier than we have in recent memory. I’m just ecstatic about that, quite honestly.
It’s the classic routine with friends who own a piece of my heart: When you’re sad, I’m sad. And she happens to be in possession of quite the chunk of heart. So, in some respects, her funk is my funk. I’m sure there are plenty of things my life coach and psycho-therapist (Emily and 6am?) could say about that.
I frequently compare my relationship with Tera to that of James Spader (Alan Shore) and William Shatner (Denny Crane) on Boston Legal. I’ve made my peace that I can’t be Shatner in that analogy. The other night I was watching an episode with a scene that really struck me. So to quote my other alter-ego, Alan Shore, in a conversation to Denny Crane:
People walk around today calling everyone their best friend. The term doesn’t have any real meaning anymore. Mere acquaintances are lavished with hugs and kisses upon a second or at most third meeting, birthday cards get passed around offices so everybody can scribble a snippet of sentimentality for a colleague they barely met, and everyone just loves everyone. As a result when you tell somebody you love them today, it isn’t much heard. I love you Denny, you are my best friend. I can’t imagine going through life without you as my best friend.
I’m not going to kiss you however.
I had originally wanted to write more, but it’s taken close to two hours to get this far. So, until next time, then.
Goodnight Moon.
Dream On.
Much Too Much, Too
Tuesday, November 18th, 2008 at 2:03am
Something happened today. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I’m just gonna have to sit out for a while and watch things unfold. A little Nick Carraway action, if you know what I mean.
The unreal is more powerful than the real because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because it’s only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on.
—Chuck Palahniuk
Goodnight Moon.
Dream On.
Cycles, Confusion, Change
Sunday, November 16th, 2008 at 2:05am
So how about that last post, eh? Man, what was that guy on? What a looney toon. Oh well, best to move along.
Right after work yesterday I hit the freeway and went north to Hollywood for a much needed visit with Charrmaine. Traffic was abysmal. It took a full three hours to get to LA. Three hours… that’s half of six hours. And you know what six hours north of here is? That’s right.
Charrmaine and I started off the night with a quick glass of wine. I’m a big fan of the wine she bought. I’m going to have to look for it next time I go to BevMo. She caught me all up on her, shall we say, goings on. We giggled and drank our wine, and then decided it was time to put some food in our bellies.
We walked to a little diner place called The 101 Cafe. Nice little swanky joint, fairly googie inspired, which I’m a big fan of. It was my turn to talk over dinner. Running through my brain, trying to figure out what is putting me in this funk. Of course, we also talked about that pretty lady girl I make eyes at.
We walked back to Charrmaine’s place, and in tradition I sang the songs of Cher. Although, I was far less drunk than I was the last time, which… kinda just makes me feel weird. But, oh well. Once back inside, we had more wine, and chocolate cake. Lots more conversation about our place in life—where we came from, where we’re going.
She started to put the pressure on me moving again. This comes at a time where Danny and I are starting to butt heads again, a little. I know I’m not going to be moving any time soon (what with the economy the way that it is…), but I think it will help to have a game plan. Or, at least the start of a game plan. So, is LA really my new home? I don’t know. I haven’t fully signed on to that train of thought yet.
We had a lazy morning. I didn’t sleep too well on the couch at first, but somewhere around 6am I really passed out and got quite a bit of sleep. Crazy vivid dreams of some creature attacking my parents house, and I had to run around the house trying to protect everyone. I feel like this is a dream I’ve had before a few times. Stupid dreams… just tell me what you want me to know, don’t make me work for it.
Lots more talking later on. About our jobs, and other things… like my relationship with my dad (or perhaps, lack there of). All sorts of fun topics like that. I admit, throughout of all of this I was still pretty funky. I don’t know what’s wrong with me this time around.
In talking about one of her friends, she mentioned this friend of hers “cleans out his life” every 4 years or something. There was something about that phrase that really stuck in my head. Cleaning out my life. The idea of starting from scratch. It sounds rather nice, actually, but also very impractical. There are too many people in life currently that I would care too much about losing.
But “cleaning out” is up for interpretation. Maybe it means I just move somewhere new, and start fresh in a new city. Oh, again with the talk of moving!
Charrmaine’s “outcome, resolution” card, The Devil!
We turn turned our attentions to the tarot. It’s starting to become a new little tradition of ours when we hang out. After a bit of confusion about my cards, I think we pieced something together that makes sense to me. There was eerily (or, perhaps, not) two mentions of a “change of residence” in my reading. Many mentions of wealth—the making of, and the spending of. And a theme of circles: cycles, confusion, change. Seems about right.
All in all, an awesome visit. I may not have been cleared out of my funk just yet, but it was good to have someone I could just spill my guts to. I’m starting to feel like I’m running out of friends like that.
Oh, we also talked a lot about tattoos. Dammit Chris, just do it already. “Shit, or get off the pot.”
Goodnight Moon.
Goodnight, Starlight.
A Punch to the Heart
Thursday, November 13th, 2008 at 11:00pm
I’m too crazy in the head tonight to be making a post. So I don’t even know why I’m writing right now. I have that “you’re going to regret this” feeling.
Today seemed to be quite the opposite of yesterday. Work was pretty decent, and things went downhill once I got home.
I decided to catch up on How I Met Your Mother. The show has been sucking pretty badly lately, but these last batch of episodes had an old taste about them. Mostly because they were Ted-centric, and that’s the only main reason why I watch the damn show.
Then comes this whole episode about not inviting an ex to your wedding. And it feels like I just got punched in the heart. If ever there was an episode directed at me. Shit. I don’t even know what to think about this. It’s fucking with my head.
I know how to read people. I know when I’m being lied to. I know when someone’s trying to hide something from me. I know when you’re being dishonest. I know when you want to tell me something, but can’t. There are even times I know what you’re going to say before you say it. I know how to read people. It’s why I like the unsaid more than the said.
I’ve been told by many people who believe in supernatural-type things that I have ESP. I’m certainly not going to sit here and say I believe that. I’ve always just thought… as I said, that I just know how to read people. Granted, there have been a few times where I somehow know something I just have no business knowing… and it freaks me out. And, granted, I’ve been told that this runs in my family by both my mother and grandmother. But I’m not gonna sit here and say that I have ESP. Because that would be silly.
I just know how to read you.
I know when I let you down, without even seeing your face. And I’m sorry.
I’m just scared.
Ten years ago I had a constant sharp pain in my ribs. It felt as though I had been stabbed. Just under my rib cage. Constant. I went to three different doctors, a neurologist, and other specialists. I had MRIs, and CAT Scans, and X-Rays… No one could figure out why I was in pain. Everyone of the doctors I saw asked me “Why do you think this is?”
I told my mom, but never my doctor. I said… Visualize a small bucket. Floating in midair. Under it, a larger bucket. As the small bucket fills up, if it were to overflow, the water would be caught by the bigger bucket. The smaller bucket would be my mental pain. Be it good old fashioned anguish, or even garden variety stress. The bigger bucket, physical pain. Point of the story being, there’s only so much mental shit I can take before it becomes physical.
I think maybe I’m hitting that point again. Too. Much. Shit. Just too much.
As you can clearly see, I’m extra crazy tonight. If I were smart, I’d just delete this entire post and not press the “send” button…
Goodbye.
Red Diamond
Thursday, November 13th, 2008 at 12:21am
Today was a pretty crap day. I’ve ben pretty emotional all week, and today seemed to be the worst day yet. Long time viewers of the Chris Show know that I’m just having my bi-monthly period.
That’s once every other month, not twice a month.
Things are okay… I’m just, on edge I suppose. Everything does seem to be evening out in the best way possible. So, I should stick a cork in it.
See what I did there? Gross.
I drank a whole bottle of wine tonight. It is the first time I’ve done that. I don’t know if I should be feeling proud or not. But I am feeling mighty tired.
I also watched the movie Zodiac. I’m a big fan of David Fincher, the director. This movie, director-ally, had some sporadic gorgeous shots and stuff, but it seemed all-in-all, very straight forward. Good movie, not great. Didn’t know Downy Jr was in it.
And then my little chit chat with Sarah6am… which always leaves me with a smile.
Goodnight Moon.
Goodnight, Starlight.
I hope I don’t wake up with a headache…
Sound & Perfume
Monday, November 10th, 2008 at 11:30pm
I originally had a post about music and how it works as a friend-subsitute in a pinch planned for tonight, but I couldn’t seem to get it started. There’s a road block in my brain tonight.
Today was a roller-coaster of emotions for me. Thankfully, there was no crash-landing or derailment of the cars.
Work is bumming me out in new and exciting ways. I’ve said it before, and I know I’ll say it again: thank god for those kids I work with—they pull me through.
Tera still isn’t talking to me. I snapped at her on Wednesday, and said something I wish I hadn’t. I’m not usually one for snapping. I tend to keep a fairly level head about things. Something, though, just caught me off guard and I spoke before I could think. I’m crossing my fingers that things return to normal soon.
I’m visiting the Charrmaine on Friday. I’m looking forward to that. Quite a lot. These visits up North serve as a mini-vacation for me. Just to get away, if even for a night. I turn my phone off, and just disconnect. They always end up being very relaxing and refreshing visits. Plus, there’s lots of alcohol. So, you know. That helps.
I’ve finally made solid plans for a Matrix movie marathon at my place. I’m quite excited about it. We will do the first movie on Friday at work, and then Marke and Mallory (and possibly/hopefully James) will come over after work the same day and we’ll do parts 2 and 3. Pizza, wine, and Neo. Sounds like a trifecta to me.
I’ve also invited people over for a Lost Season 5 party, of sorts. But that’s not until January, so I’m really jumping the gun by talking about that now.
Also… the soundtrack to Cowboy Bebop is strangely awesome.
Goodnight Moon.
Goodnight, Starlight.
Just Breathe, Just Breathe
Monday, November 10th, 2008 at 1:49am
I sang this song for you once before. I’m a little scared I might do it again.
I went to Disneyland with Mallory yesterday. This was a trip we had planned for quite some time. We were trying to catch Bats Day at the park. All the gothy kids come out to play. I’m especially fond of the gothy families with the 8 year olds with pink hair, and etc. It’s cute. The entire weekend was part of the festivities, however it turns out that the actual meet-up for at Disneyland was today the 9th, and not yesterday the 8th. So, it ended up being just a regular trip to Disneyland, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with that.
Maybe, just maybe, all of these Disneyland trips in my life are finally catching up to me, or maybe I’m in a bit of a Disneyland funk—but the last two or three times I’ve been, I’ve really just wanted to ride just two or three rides, and sit and chat, and go home early. I mean, that’s kinda how I’ve always been with Disneyland, but I think maybe I had a could run of trips that were more packed. Those trips became the norm, and now that I just want to go on Pirates, Mansion, then sit and talk all the rest of the day… the trips feel odd to me. I don’t know what it is exactly, but I hope I snap out of it soon.
I don’t know.
I feel as though I’ve been in a bit of an emotional rut lately. More like… a bruise. When an apple is bruised, and it becomes all soft and squishy. And if you poke it too hard, it goos all over your finger. I kinda feel like that’s me right now. I don’t exactly even know what that means. Maybe it means… I’m both raw, and spoiled.
Sleep has been my best friend lately. No, like. For serious. I’ve been having more vivid dreams lately. I need to work on remembering them when I wake up. They seem to be interesting!
And then there are these damn daydreams I’ve been having…
Goodnight Moon.
Dream On.
One Thing Missing
Friday, November 7th, 2008 at 11:37pm
So, using my fancy phone I can make fancy entries while laying in my fancy bed. Isn’t that fancy?
I’m sure this is gonna be short tonight. It’s a Friday night and I’m already in bed. That alone is no where near as sad as the fact that I’m totally okay with being in bed right now. I’ve been going to bed before midnight almost every night this week. Yet I always feel so body-tired by the time the sun sets. I’m falling apart.
‘Twas a good night. Boston’s pizza with Mallory followed by a trip to Borders. Hung out with SarahCurtis and Carrie Bobbie for a little while.
The waitress at Boston’s told me I sound a lot like Seth Rogan. This makes her the 2nd person to tell me that. She gave me the name and email to some voice dubbing place in LA. So strange. Perhaps I need to watch more Rogan films. I don’t hear it!
Going to Disneyland with Mallory tomorrow. Part of Bats Day, AKA: Goth Day. I haven’t been to Disneyland in too long, so I’m sure we’re gonna have a good time.
Woo. Okay. Falling asleep while typing. That’s by queue er… um, my cue.
Goodnight Moon
I miss you.