Having watched Lost for four years now, I’ve started to pick up on a few of their… well, let’s call them tricks. Tricks like after a big episode where the main character is put in a surprisingly perilous situation, cut to a “To be continued.” Lost is big on cliffhangers. But what is really a pisser about Lost’s cliffhanger endings is that all too often, the episode that follows the previously dramatic climax of an ending… well, it has nothing to do with it. You might have to wait three or four episodes before they make their way back to that story arch. How frustrating, right?
So, yeah. Tonight’s episode is going to have very little to do with our last exciting outing. But fear not, all our favorite characters are still there.
I had quite the conversation with Sarah6AM Friday night (or as is always the case, early Saturday morning). I don’t even remember how the topic came up, it happened so fast. Just out left field. But before I knew it was trying to choke back tears. I think a few got through.
Wait, let’s go full-on Lost fashion, and start with a bit of a flashback.
When we first started chatting (the second time around), almost right away the subject of Anjanette came up, “who, by the way, was a total psycho.” Gotta love hearing that less than fifteen minutes into a conversation with someone I haven’t talked to in seven years. “I never said it, but I always read your posts and shook my head,” she said. For some bizarre reason, Anj as a talking-point has been coming up a lot over the past few weeks and months. Everything in cycles, perhaps.
Cut back to where we left off. On the phone, and the subject of my dating history comes up. We start talking about this, and before I know it, I’m being told “face it, you’re not ready to be dating yet.” It was a little chilling, to be honest. Oh, I know that’s an accurate statement, but I’ll be dammed if I ever let on to it before. Or, at least, that’s what I tried to do.
“Listen to your language. It’s been over a year, and there’s still such hate in your voice. You still say ‘when she broke up with me,’ not ‘when we broke up,’ or ‘when the relationship ended.’” It’s weird. I mean, Sarah is a relative newcomer to the world of Chris-drama, and she’s already reading me like a book (thus the point of the flashback).
“Why are you still so angry?” she asked. “You need to just let it go.”
Well fuck. That’s my mantra. That’s what I tell to everyone else when I give advice. I can’t have it be given to me! That’s… that’s just… That’s just what needed to be said.
I’m still harboring resentment about everything that transpired over a year and a half ago. Anger, even. Hatred, maybe. And I need to let it go. But—how?
“What are you still so angry about?”
I got silent. I didn’t have an answer. This is where I felt everything come rushing back. Four years of everything, and I realized that I haven’t really… cried yet. This sounds so fucking ridiculous, and oh-so Dawson’s Creek of me… but I hadn’t. And maybe that’s what I needed. To have a hole poked in my tough exterior. Who knows.
The entire conversation was so brutal. It was so, “let’s face it” and blunt. Not at all in a mean way—there was nothing but love and compassion coming from her end of the phone, and I know that. I think the combination of this semi-newcomer spelling everything out so plainly. It made me feel rather silly about not seeing it for myself. Embarrassing, even.
But like I said, it was needed. It was the bucket of cold water, or the slap to the face. “Thanks, I needed that,” tends to be the appropriate response.
Birthday painting from Emily: Remember you are always loved
Somewhere along the lines of this chat, I mentioned how absolutely frustrating it is for me to have some of the friends that I do. This is, also, a topic that’s been bouncing around in my head for weeks. I’ve got a few friends who continually make shitty choices. I jokingly say things like “I just wish I could control my friends’ lives for them,” but I know full well that’s not 100% a joke.
To know me at all is to know that my heart is permanently sewn on my sleeve. I bleed emotion, and it’s hard (if not impossible) for me to hide them. So, when I’ve got a friend who is getting shit-faced on a nightly basis and going home with random men, or a friend who can’t seem to leave the man that’s breaking her fingers and slapping her… What’s a Chris to do?
Just let it go.
It’s so difficult though. I mean, I care about these people. My friends are my life. Their lives are my life. It breaks my heart to see them making these horrible choices.
Just let it go.
No, you don’t understand. I care for these people, and—
Just let it go. You’re not their parent. You’re not their boss. You’re their friend, and that’s all.
But.
Just let it go. Hands off. Listen to their stories. When your best friend is telling you she just dropped acid, don’t give them a lecture. Simply ask “So, how was it?”
Be there for them when they fall, but don’t try to prevent the fall. You can’t learn from a mistake you never make.
Wise words.
Let’s bring it back around. It’s time for this episode to wrap up. It was a very strange chat on the phone with Sarah. Certainly not what I expected to be talking about when I called her. But it was good… if not great. I think I need a good emotional spanking now and again. I just hope that I’ve learned some things this time around. This is a cycle that I need to break.
Goodnight Moon.
Thanks, I needed that.
This was a fucking weird post.
