Maybe-Someday.com

Posted on June 30th, 2009 at 12:58am

Roller coaster. I’ve been down, and I’m back up again. I’ve been having some of the worst depression spells I’ve had in such a long, long time. I use the word dark for a reason. I’ve learned who I can talk to about these things. I’ve also learned who I can’t.

I think I’ve finally bottomed out. I’m willing to admit I need help… of the professional variety. Whether or not I’m willing to actually go out and make the phone call is a completely different question.

In actuality, I just want the pills. I’ve already been diagnosed bipolar, years and years ago. My mom is quick to remind me that chronic depression runs in the family. I have no interest (not to mention, no faith) in any kind of “how does that make you feel” therapy. I just need something to stop the bad thoughts from growing. I could be having a great day, but one little stumble and things slowly start to spiral out of my control. Friday night is an excellent example of that. The catalyst of Friday night’s spell is so insignificant. So much so I’m too embarrassed to even say. But it was the pebble at the top of a snowy hill.

I just want the pills.

I was on them years and years ago. Celexa. 1998. Fuck. I’m old. I can’t remember why I stopped taking them. I know that the public reason I gave was I was too adversely effected by the “sexual side effects” that I was warned against. I also remember that was just a funny joke I told people to deflect.

So Friday was the worse than the Saturday that was previously worse. I’m plotting points on this graph, and I’m running out of room.

Saturday, however, was surprisingly high on the y-axis. I woke up early, treadmilled, got my car washed after a month of putting it off, got my hair cut, did grocery shopping. I was randomly inspired to start illustrating again. I have this old sketchy picture of Tera an old friend Brandon drew back in college. I took it from him wanting to scan it in and fancy it up. Five years later, I’m finally working on it.

I had to not only dig around my papers to find the drawing, but then dig out my scanner, and install it for the first time on my Mac. This was quite a lot of work just in preparation for someone who was contemplating offing himself the night before. So, I’m pretty happy.

I spent a great deal of the day working on it. It felt really good to be using that part of my brain. The part of my brain my job has almost completely destroyed. What’s better still is that the original sketch I’m using for reference is almost too sketchy, and I’ve had to re-draw a lot of it on my own. I thought this was gonna be more of a straight tracing job to ease myself back into things, but no. I’m actually art-ing again.

When I sat down to write this post, none of these things were what I had intended to write about. I guess these are things that needed to come out.

Saturday was also interesting because of who I hung out with. I had plans to grab a late dinner and yogurt with Jasmine. She told me she was bringing Ian. I haven’t seen him in probably close to six years. I can’t even remember how long its been. They brought over the xbox, and we played some zombie games and drank beers and relived old stories. It was particularly weird to hear Jasmine and Ian go off on their rants about Legoland. They both still work there, and it was… strange… to see how little had changed for them. Six years later, and their still where I left them.

I’m still giving a lot of thought about this “five best days of my life” idea of mine. Maybe I bit off more than I can chew. I’ve got 3 solid days, 1 mostly solid, and 1 total weak-sauce day. As soon as I find a replacement to that weak-sauce day, I’ll start. I haven’t given up. Maybe I just haven’t lived that many awesome days yet.

Hey look. I said yet. Maybe I’ve got faith in me after all.

Goodnight Moon.
I choose my words carefully.

Posted on June 25th, 2009 at 12:58am

I should probably make a post tonight. It’s been over a week.

But… not tonight.

Goodnight Moon.
Thank you.

Posted on June 16th, 2009 at 12:19am

“How did you get this number? I can’t get my head ’round you. Of course you’re not coming over,” she said. “Snap out of it. You’re not making any sense.”

There was silence for a while.

“You couldn’t be more wrong, darling,” she continued. “I never gave out these signs. You misunderstand all meaning. Snap out of it. I’m not falling for this one.”

“Do just what I tell you, and no one will get hurt,” I wanted to say. “Don’t come any closer, ’cause I dunno how long I can hold my heart in two.”

She spoke again. “If you think that it’s so damn easy, then what do you need me for?” Her words took an eternity to sink in. “Just look at the state of you. Babe, snap out of it. You’re not listening to this.”

“And for once, could you let me finish my sentence?” I ironically interrupted her. “Do just what I tell you and no one will get hurt.”

“Please,” I begged. “Don’t come any closer, ’cause I don’t know how long I can hold my heart in two.”

It was her turn to be silent. “Now I’ve had it up to here,” I said. “Don’t ever try that again. Why are you so quiet so suddenly? Go on, have it. You’re just dying to try me.”

So, what do we do now?

Goodnight Moon.
Maybe, someday…

Posted on June 9th, 2009 at 2:06am

This weekend (with the exception of Sunday) was absolutely abysmal. One of the darkest I’ve had in a long time. Every time I re-cap the story to someone new, it just kicks up all of the… everything, and ends up being just a generally bad idea.

Before the weekend started there was a big company shake-up. It, too, also sucks a lot of really bad things. This is also something better left un-recapped. Suffice to say, I’m now in my very own prison office in the back of the building.

So, with that. Sunday.

I left pretty early on in the morning up to Hollywood. Impressively, I made the drive in under an hour and a half. I hit absolutely no traffic. That’s damn near miraculous. By 10:30am I was parked and ready to get my day started with Charrmaine.

We really didn’t do all that much, but the day went by so quickly. We talked for so long, went to Denny’s for a late breakfast and talked a lot there, then went back to her place and talked and drank wine and did tarot and talked. By that time it was already 8pm and time for a quick bite to eat before we saw Up at the El Cap.

It was really a mentally refreshing trip for me. The talking alone did wonders for me. It’s been so long since I’ve had a big lengthy conversation. The tarot, too, was pretty awesome. I’m well aware that I’m happily living in a spiritual vacuum right now, so it seems odd that I’d even want to have my tarot read. Whether I believe in the cards or not, it’s a good exercise for me to really do some soul searching. Trying to find explanations to the cards, looking for the “what does it all mean,” of sorts.

I texted the bottom line basic results to a few friends, and they all replied with a “DOY!”, so… I guess I learned some fairly obvious things about me. There were three basic takeaways from the session. That little chickadee I kinda sorta like (y’know, like, whatever) isn’t gonna happen (but we all knew that). I have an overbearing father (again, we all knew that). Lastly, I need, need, need to start being more impulsive, spontaneous, and even irrational. Another big doy-burger. I’m tired of living this “let me think about it,” plan it out, weigh the pros and cons bullshit life. I’m 27 years old, and I’ve done next-to-nothing worth noting. And it’s solely because I’m too scared/too worried to do anything.

And it needs to stop.

“Did you really need magical mystical cards to tell you that, Christopher?” you ask.

Well, maybe not. But I don’t really do a lot of self-exploration, or soul searching on my own. But when I’ve got these strange, vague cards in front of me telling me these random, almost nonsensical things that are supposed to pertain to me, people in my life, events in my life… I have to dig deep to find a connection. So, you can easily argue if that connection I find is any kind of supernatural in nature (I think you know what side I lean on, currently), but the end result is the same. I do find connections, and I walk away learning things about myself. Things to keep an eye on.

I told Emily that if her trip to Paris falls through, I will come visit her in Texas [spontaneous! impulsive!]. Then I was reminded of her unique family dynamic in her house. So I think we should meet up in Chicago. [Hey, baby steps!!]

Two years ago yesterday. My old bedroom.

I can see right through you.

Goodnight Moon.
Dream On.

Posted on June 4th, 2009 at 12:39am

Driving home from Tustin tonight, I thought of so many dramatic and foolish things I want to say to you. Things that have been in my head for more years than you know. Words that I can’t get out of my mind. About wanting to get a little too-drunk one night so I can find the courage to tell you these wonderful secrets of mine. Deliciously vague, but too clear and exacting to back out.

And at the top of my lungs, I sing: Come what may.

Goodnight Moon.
You’re so vain—
I bet you think this post is about you.

Posted on June 2nd, 2009 at 11:49pm

I stumbled upon some excellent news today. Repo! The Genetic Opera is going back to theaters. At first, I read this as the play form going back on tour. I was damn near ecstatic. Then I realized it was just the movie back in theaters. I became kinda “oh…” about it. Then, I learned about the Shadow Casts. Much like Hedwig and Rocky Horror Picture Show, a small cast of actors will be on stage along with the movie. So, now I’m back up to pretty damn excited.

I’ve already told Tera she’s coming with me. I wanna get all goth’d up, dressed to the nines. I’m currently back into full Repo! mode… and couldn’t be happier about it. I think I’m actually going up to Tera’s tomorrow after work. I’ll bring the movie and a couple bottles of wine. Fucking excited.

I’m getting much better about making myself get on that damned treadmill. I’ve gone from arguing with myself for a solid 30 minutes to today’s “c’mon you piece of shit, just do it!” approach. That seemed to work quite well. I tell you… It feels really good while I’m doing it. Just clears my head like nothing I’ve known before. Crazy feeling.

DPRL got cancelled tonight. Way bummer. Danny and I forgot out Mario Kart game at the parent’s house. One of Jamie’s friends couldn’t make it, and another didn’t have his usual plus-one. So we were all around way too short. Next week will probably be pretty big. Good timing, as we’re about to unleash some new rules to the whole thing.

Two interesting conversations today, with two completely different people. Emily and 6am both randomly brought up old aspects of my website that they miss from way back in the day. It’s weird to think how long I’ve had this website, and how many changes it’s been through. Features come and gone (I wonder if anyone reading today remembers the cast of characters page).

Quite a lot of nostalgia today.

Goodnight Moon.
Maybe, someday…

Posted on June 2nd, 2009 at 12:09am

I’m slowly starting work on small updates to the site. I sat down to do my bi-yearly redesign, but I came to the strange realization that I actually really like what I’ve got going on right now. For the most part. Very rough around the edges as I taught myself basic PHP and the workings of the Wordpress engine.

Potential new design job on the horizon. I feel like a goof for even mentioning these because they always fall through. I’ll issue my standard “I hope this comes through.”

The past weekend turned out to be okay after all. I came home from work one hell of a depressed blob. I expected the rest of the weekend to follow suit. Friday night I stayed home and watched Reservoir Dogs for the first time. Pleasantly surprised by it. Pulp Fiction didn’t live up to the years of hype, but I think Reservoir Dogs mostly did. But, I have a soft spot for movies that take place [almost] entirely in one room.

Saturday, I picked up my running shoes from the parents’ house. That was my last hold-out of an excuse as to why I hadn’t yet used the treadmill. So, I had no choice. I treadmilled. It was pretty good, actually. Only did it for about 20 minutes. Gotta start off slow, or I’ll surely keep over and die. No joke. But even 20 minutes left me a sweaty mess, but feeling pretty good. So, I did the same thing Sunday.

At around 5:00 on Saturday I sent a random “So, what are we doing tonight?” text to Jasmine, fully expecting her to tell me she already had plans. Surprisingly, she told me she’d come right over. We went to Boston’s, ate lots of pizza, drank lots of drinks. Followed by lots of Golden Spoon and William Shatner’s Has Been in the car. Back at my place, we looked up funny YouTube videos and watched The Fall (she loved it, of course).

It was quite the awesome, impromptu night. And we’ve already got plans for another next weekend.

Tonight Todd and Bethany came over with some home made enchiladas. We mingled and ate, and then watched Blade Runner. I’ve been having good luck with movies lately. Watching all of my favorites. Who’s down for a night of Hedwig and wine?? The trifecta will be complete.

Next weekend should be pretty awesome, too. Famous Dave’s and Up with Jasmine on Saturday. Train ride up to Hollywood to hang with Charrmaine on Sunday.

Mario Kart tomorrow night. And I must force myself to go on the treadmill at some point before bed.

Feeling pretty good about everything.

Goodnight Moon.
Dream On.

Posted on May 30th, 2009 at 12:00am

A long time ago, I mentioned in a post that none of my friends ask me how I’m doing in conversations. Unfortunately, I didn’t stop and think about how that might make the friends that read my journal feel.

However, over the next few days I got quite a few of apologies. A number of “oh my god, you’re totally right. I never ask, I feel like a douche.” I was really surprised at those reactions. It completely validated my feelings.

I was reminded of that today when I scrolled up through the 5 conversations I had going today, and no one I was chatting with asked me how I was doing.

I can’t help but feel like that’s such a stupid thing to get bent out of shape about. But it hurts my feelings something fierce.

I just know I’m gonna regret posting this…

Goodnight Moon.

Posted on May 27th, 2009 at 11:48pm

I really don’t have anything worth saying right now. But I figure making an empty post like this has got to be better than no post at all. Or something?

I’ve been getting a lot of “…because you need to be alone” from friends lately. Strange. Thing is, I am. I can honestly say that this is the most “alone” I’ve ever been. And I’m doing just fine. There are a dozen and a half things about me I need/want to work on. So, now is the time.

I’ve also been told that since I’ve dropped one habit/time-vampire, that something else, just as time-consuming, will inevitably take its place. I’m not so sure about that.

I’ve got plans to go up and see Charrmaine in LA on the 7th. I’ll likely be taking the train up. Such a relaxing and awesome ride up the coast. I’ll probably not have my new camera by then. I’m saving up my dollars. Considering how little I go out anymore, they are piling up rather quickly. I’m pretty excited about that.

Time for bed. I’m gonna make it a point to go on the treadmill tomorrow.

Exciting days ahead.

Goodnight Moon.
No Day But Today.

Posted on May 25th, 2009 at 1:01am

It’s definitely a Blade Runner night tonight.

I’ve really been in the mood to re-watch this movie lately. I got in a conversation about it with Todd, and I’m gonna try to convince him to come over some time this week and we’ll make a night of it. He’s never seen it.

I was already in bed once tonight. I laid there for quite some time, playing Peggle on my phone for a while. I felt restless, so here I am.

I finally have a treadmill in my apartment now. My parents let me have theirs. It got pretty banged up on the journey over, but I think it will still work just fine. I’ve been saying how much I wanted this treadmill at my place for months and months now. So, it’s kind of a moment of truce kinda thing. Let’s see if how much I actually use it.

Ideally, what I’d really like to do is go on it for about 30 minutes in the morning before work. Just enough to get my blood pumping and force me to really wake up. Then later in the evening I’d like to put another hour on it, or so. I really don’t run on it—at least not yet. Just a fast paced walk. I’m so out of shape that it’s enough for me to really work up a good sweat.

I bet her a dollar to eat a french fry she picked up off the ground. As soon as I realized she was about to do it, I told her to stop ‘cuz it was grossing me the fuck out.

Tera and I have been in a good place together lately. With some friends, I go back and forth between phases of not seeing much of each other for a while, and then seeing a lot of each other in a small amount of time. Tera and I, on the other hand, seem to go between phases of good, and great. It’s interesting.

We went up to Disneyland after work Wednesday. It was rather busy, so we ended up just going on Space Mountain (which I later found out was her first time on that ride since her and I went to Disneyland together for the first time almost 5 years ago. Crazy!). After that one ride, we left the park and went to ESPN Zone for burgers and beers. Although, I had Jack and Cokes.

We had a lot of very good conversation. All about or past relationships, the people we’re still in love with, the “ones who got away,” and all of that mushy-mush shit that most people don’t really like to discuss. After we were done eating, we just sat at the bar until the place kicked us out. Very. Good. Times. I heart her so.

One more day off. Let’s see how it treats me.

Goodnight Moon.
The Perfect Timing.