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Posted on March 1st, 2010 at 10:12pm

I’ve made a huge mistake.

Goodnight Moon.

Posted on February 28th, 2010 at 1:51am

Tonight is my last night in this apartment. My first apartment.

Tomorrow night I will sleep in the bedroom I grew up in.

The past three nights have been a kind of “Goodbye Tour” for me, in that I’ve tried to make the most of my last nights here. My last nights with any kind of social life.

Thursday night, Sarah and I got pissed on two bottles of wine and watched Titus (the movie, not the tv show). I’ll say this much right now, I’m going to miss so much Wine/Movie Nights. If ever there was motivation to get my ass back in a place of my own, it’s the prospect of many more nights like Thursday night.

Friday night was our last of our usual nights. Carrie, Sarah and I ordered a few pizzas, drank a lot of rum, and watched Muppet Treasure Island. There were more than a few times where the movie had to be paused so we could catch our breath from laughing. But no necessarily laughing at the movie.

Tonight was Jasmine’s turn. Big dinner at Famous Daves, followed by two hours of Lost, then one final showing of Idlewild. A very mellow night to end on, I think.

Tomorrow will be busy. The plan is to wake up early. Finishing touches on the packing… I’ve still got odds and ends that need to be wrapped up and put in boxes. Also, I haven’t yet really touched my bedroom, but that’s all stuff that doesn’t really get packed away in boxes. I’ll go get a U-Haul in the early afternoon and fill it with all of my furniture, then drop it off at my newly acquired storage unit. I’m fairly certain the unit I got is too small. So, some very talented Tetris skills may have to be called upon. Then there will be a second packing-up of the U-Haul, for everything that’s going to the house.

And then… Who knows.

Goodnight Moon.
Time is running out.

Posted on February 22nd, 2010 at 12:58am

For a while there I was starting to look forward to moving back home. Which is a far cry from my only other stance I’ve had: total dread.

The notion of having a few extra dollars in my pocket every month started to outweigh the… other stuff. However, after this weekend, I seem to be right back at square one. The combination of having friends over one night… staying up late, getting ridiculous on drinks and movies. Then the next day spent at the house around two people stuck in a rut so deep it makes me look (and feel) like the busiest, most productive person ever. The juxtaposition (I hate using that word) is a sharp smack in the face.

Then tonight I got caught in the middle of an awesome documentary on IFC called Indie Sex, and I was just reminded of all these amazing nights I’ve had in this apartment. Getting pissed on a bottle of wine, and watching some amazing movie. Sprawled out on that couch for hours, until the sun starts to come up. The number of times I’ve seen Lost In Translation. And I realize it’s not this apartment I’m moving out of, it’s this life. I’m giving up my lifestyle.

I’ve fought for years to have a “lifestyle” of my own. I’m finally in a place in my life where I have some of what I was after for so long. I’ve always said that I can’t wait for my life to start. This is the closest I’ve ever felt to that… and now it’s going away.

It seems any way I cut it, moving out of this apartment feels like a humongous step backwards.

And it’s eating away at me already.

Goodnight Moon.
Dream On.

Posted on February 21st, 2010 at 2:19am

Selected photos from my trip:

The rest here.

Goodnight Moon.
Sleep well.

Posted on February 8th, 2010 at 1:03am

Quite a lot has changed.

I’ll start with the good. All three of my upcoming trips are now officially happening. Plane tickets for Portland have been purchased, and I leave next weekend. Plane tickets for SXSW in March have also been purchased, and I’ll be spending a good 5 days in Austin, TX at the Design(but-also-music-and-film) festival. Lastly, the roadtrip to Arizona at the beginning of March is a for-sure happening now, too.

Portland, OR: Danny and I will be flying up on the 13th. The same day, my parents will start their drive up to Portland. This will give Danny and I a day or two to hang out with Todd and Beth without the parents. Then when the parents arrive, it’ll take on a more family-vacation vibe, I’m sure. Thursday (I think…) is when we all leave, Danny and I driving back down with the my mom and dad. Not sure how awesome the drive back home is going to be, but we’ll soon find out.

Austin, TX: Before Jamie quit, he and Marke were going to go to South By Southwest in the middle of March on the company’s dollar. A big web design/development conference that has also become a hot-bed for indie bands and films to debut (or maybe it was the other way around, I really don’t know). After Jamie quit, I raised my hand and said I’d like to go. And now the rooms are booked, the tickets purchased, and the registration submitted. It will just be Marke and I going (and I think we’re sharing a room too). It should be a lot of fun, and may just be the kick in my ass I need to get my butt in gear and back into designer-mode. I’ve become such a lazy slob lately. I think I really need this.

Also, there is a slim chance that I will actually meet Emily at some point during this trip! If it doesn’t end up happening, I’m pretty sure we can make it happen sometime else this year. So far I seem to be doing pretty good with saying something and following through.

Bisbee, AZ: The first weekend in March, Sarah and I will be making the trek to Bisbee to see Charrmaine! It will be absolutely amazing, I already know. The current plan is to leave Thursday evening, after work. Road trip. I’m told it will be about a seven or eight hour drive. We’ll maybe split the driving right down the middle. Those kinds of details ain’t worked out yet.

On the way back, we will be making a pit-stop at Sarah’s friend’s house in Phoenix. An old friend of Sarah’s I’ve never met, and have been properly warned about. It should prove to be very interesting.

Suddenly, I’ve become quite the little traveler. Making up for all this lost time, maybe?

As for the things that have changed that fall under the “bad” category. I am, in fact, moving back home with my parents.

Friday night I popped my head into Danny’s room to tell him about the upcoming trips in March and how he’ll be having the place to himself. Our lease is up at the end of February, but we (sorta) agreed to do the month-to-month thing once, and stay until the end of March. But after I told Danny about these trips in March he said he doesn’t want to pay month-to-month, and would rather move out at the end of February.

He also told me that he, too, plans to be moving back home with the parents.

At this time, I had already decided that moving back home was no longer an option. My happiness (and sanity) is far more important than my financial well being. I had figured that I had until the end of March before any solid decision had to be made on my part. However, now I’m learning that I only have until the end of February.

Of which one week is spent out of town. And since I can’t look for a place to live on a weekday while I’m at work, that realistically left me with only five or six actual days to make arrangements. Which, suffice to say, wasn’t going to happen.

So, tail between the legs and all, I’ll be going back to my parents. The plan, as it stands now (and seems to be ever changing), is stay at my parents’ house for one or two months, then figure out what’s going to happen. I’ll be putting the most of my stuff in storage, trying to not even unpack. I keep saying, the more uncomfortable I am there, the better off I’ll be. The last thing I want to do is actually unpack and move in. I’ll never move back out.

I’m telling myself that this is the best solution, given all my available options. And that may actually be true. Between these three trips I’m taking (of which they are all one week apart from each other), I could use the money I save from not paying rent in March. I’ll save up three or four paychecks (trying my damnedest not to buy big expensive things…. like a 27″ iMac that is calling my name…) and then get my ass out of that house.

As far as that goes… The current plan (and certainly not yet set in stone… or even styrofoam, for that matter) is to get a place with Sarah in a few months. I’ve brought it up to her a few times now, and she seems to be pretty keen on the idea. She’s trying to get out of her place too, so as soon as she’s ready, I’m ready.

So, there’s going to be some rough water ahead, it seems. These trips of mine will be awesome, and help keep me afloat, I’m sure. But, once they are over mid-March, I’ll be “stuck” at that house with no more escapes. I’ve gotta figure something out.

It’ll all work out, right?

Goodnight Moon.
Dream On.

Posted on January 31st, 2010 at 11:31pm

You can’t go back home to your family, back home to your childhood … back home to a young man’s dreams of glory and of fame … back home to places in the country, back home to the old forms and systems of things which once seemed everlasting but which are changing all the time — back home to the escapes of Time and Memory

My dad, of all people, brought that quote to my attention. Fittingly enough, during a conversation about moving back home. It started with a simple question, whether or not he was okay with the idea. It turned into a huge discussion about too many topics to even remember. It wasn’t an argument, or any kind of fight. Simply a discussion. But… it was enough to make up my mind. I just can’t live in that house again. Absolute last resort.

So I talked to Sarah about the possibility of getting a place together when my lease runs out. I knew going in it was a long shot, but it couldn’t hurt to ask. She seemed rather interested, and while we didn’t talk much about it aside from just putting the thought into her head, she didn’t outright say no. I’ve got a short list of people I could stand to live with, and I told her that she was the first on that list. We’ll see where it goes, but something tells me I should be working on a Plan B.

This isn’t where I should be right now.

Goodnight Moon.
Dream on.

Posted on January 25th, 2010 at 1:10am

I miss my computer. With the insurance money, I bought a MacBook Pro. I’ve also got a new 25″ monitor to hook it up to. It should feel just like sitting at my old iMac desktop… but it doesn’t. It’s really bothersome. Makes me feel like I miss-spent 2.5 grand. Whenever I try to sit down and do something more than just chat with friends on it, I’m just reminded of how different it feels. I’m not getting used to it, and it’s really frustrating.

My lease is up in a month. I’m still not 100% where I’m going or what I want to do. I’m pretty sure I no longer want to live with Danny. I mean… shit. I’ve been saying that practically ever since we moved in. The leading option right now is to move back home with my parents. And I know I’ve been over this before, but I just can’t make a decision about it. Their house is misery. Both my parents are just miserable people. I mean that in the literal sense. They’re deeply unhappy. Being around that much negative energy just drains you.

Every Sunday when Danny and I head over for “family night” (which is no longer really family night since Todd moved away, but that’s another gripe for another night), it takes no more than 20 minutes before we give each other that look of “ugh… here we go.”

Anyway. Point being—I’m not sure I can live there for 4-6 months. I’d go insane. Or worse, I’l literally go insane. I don’t need to be around that kind of energy. When I start to spiral out of control in my own bouts of depression, the one thing that never fails to slap me out of it is some kind of social contact with the outside world. My Friday and Saturday nights with my friends absolutely keep me from killing myself. Without an apartment to invite people over to, I’m worried I’d just never get out, I’d never see my friends.

Of course I could still invite them over… but c’mon. “Hey guys, let’s hangout and have movie night in my bedroom at my parents house.” Rough. I don’t know if I can swing that. I don’t know.

Bright side. I’d be saving a shit-ton of money every month. I’d pay of my credit card debt very quickly, and one or two more months of just pure saving up, I’d have a nice little cache of cash to float on when it’s time go move back out. These are all some very nice and almost-well-worth-it benefits. But I just don’t know.

I’ve got just over 30 days to make up my mind.

(Realistic prediction: Neither Danny and I will have a clue what we’re doing by the end of February, and we’ll just coast month-to-month for a month or two)

I also really miss not having a camera.

Being burgled really fucking sucks.

Goodnight Moon.
I’m Trying…

Posted on January 20th, 2010 at 11:10pm

I had a much better than average night tonight. Much.

Between all the lovely friends I talked to tonight, the Willie Nelson pounding through my surround sound, and this here glass of cherry vodka…. how could I not have a good night? Impossible.

Here’s to you.

Goodnight Moon.
Shine on.

Posted on January 18th, 2010 at 11:56pm

So, if I’m coming from a down-note, where am I going?

I start ever year off the same way. Complaining about the previous, and speaking loudly about all my hopes and aspirations for the next 300-some-odd days. If “good intentions” were actually worth anything, I’d have more money than god. Which… I suppose, I do. But that’s beside the point.

I’ve a severe give-a-damn deficit. But I’m working on it. It’s getting better, but only by a little. A change from a one to a two on a scale of ten doesn’t yield any new results.

I’m getting better on this whole food-phobia-thing. I’ve successfully begun to include white in my Edible Color Palate. The white family joins the red family. The green family hides on the other side of the ocean. It may be a while before I can build a bridge, but we’re drafting up blueprints as we speak.

The general fear of “new things” (again, in general) has been a bit of a mountain to climb. But, he’s getting better. Today they talk of travel and tattoos, together tomorrow.

When abstraction meets abstraction, it’s time for the two heads to lay down.

In short: Hope for the best, but draft up a living will for the worst.

Goodnight Moon
You mean more than you know.

Posted on January 10th, 2010 at 11:02pm

Why, I do believe I’m sick.

Maybe all of this running around like a crazy person and wearing myself thin has caught up with me. Or maybe I just stood a little too close to my dad who has been sicker than a dog all week long. Either way, I woke up today with a small bit of the sniffles, and they’ve stayed with me all day long.

This weekend has been pretty nice.

I’ll include Thursday night only because I bought a new computer online that will serve as my very own media server. After long talks with Jamie and Marke, they’ve set me straight and pushed me away from novelty systems like the MacMini or Dell Zino to manage my media. It makes more sense to stick a box in a closet somewhere and have it function as a main server for everything I own. Then, down the road, I’ll pick up a pretty little machine (probably the Dell Zino, actually) and stick a BluRay drive in it, and that will be the end-machine that connects to the TV. It makes good sense to me, man.

Friday after work, Sarah and CB came over for beers and Mario. It’s always a good time when they’re here. The joke du jour was calling me a duck on a pond. Meaning that I’m cool and calm on the surface, but paddling like hell under the surface. Which…. is true, sad to say. But only under certain circumstances. This may end up being a subject of a later post, because there’s more on this topic than I want to get into right now. (By now, we’ve learned that usually means I’ll never get back to it…)

I slept in until 1pm on Saturday. I felt like I deserved it. It’s been months since I’ve done anything like that… and it was absolutely amazing. I then spent a few hours at my parent’s, further cleaning out the garage and re-organizing everything from the party. There’s still plenty more to be done, but I’m taking it rather slowly while I can.

Later, Tera came down. Been a long time since she was over. We got a quick dinner at Fridays, then back to my place for bottles of wine and The Billy Nayer Show. I introduced her to The American Astronaut, and Stingray Sam. It appears as though she loves both, which makes me happy. We tried to sit through one more movie, but the wine caught up with us, and we passed out around 1am.

And now… I’m a little sick. I’m doped up on a few different medications right now. I’m gonna finish this up real soon, and try to sleep it off. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow. I think I’m going to go see Avatar (IMAX 3D, of course) with Sarah tomorrow evening. I’ll be pissed if I’m too sick to do that.

Goodnight Moon.